Catharsis

To live a few years in pleasure and pain

To love and to hold and kiss all in vain

To wishing an end to life’s winding road
To thinking you made it
To cracking the code!

To falling and breaking and bleeding all out
To patching it up with many a doubt
To slowly regaining the friends loved and lost
To calling on angels
To paying the cost…

To dreaming and flying and jumping off ledges!
To reading and writing and polishing edges
To learning to learn and forgiving the careless
To wizening up and teaching the aimless

To sweeping the inside and reading of zooks
To finding the answer in many old books
To walking the path and learning from rivers
To changing the world and giving the givers

For I’ve lived a grand life and must never forget
In the end we’re all here just paying a debt
So what else is there left but to make a fine toast:
There is bliss to be followed!
Scream it out in great boast!

Pics via vi.sualize.com

LET'S HELP THE MOTHERLAND! Chilean Relief Efforts and Telethon

Please visit the Banco de Chile site and donate to the Chilean telethon earthquake relief efforts. This is the official site and of course it's completely secure and safe.

Click here -->https://www.bancochile.cl/webchile1/Teleton/index_tarjetas_ex.html

They've been on television ALL night fund raising and they're up to $14m... trying to get $30m! You can see streaming of the telethon efforts at www.latercera.cl.

While I sit here on my fancy couch dressed in overpriced jeans and drinking sweet tea, I can't help to think of my own family that has no running water or electricity, and of the two million folks out there who lost it all and just sit and wait for a government truck to show up with water and pasta.

"If you can't feed hundreds of people, then just feed one"
~Mother Theresa

You may also text CHILE to 90999 to donate $10 to the Red Cross.

Put it all in perspective and let's help rebuild this little strip of land one day at a time.

FUERZA CHILE!!!!

PS. PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF YOU'D LIKE TO REPOST THIS ENTRY AND I'LL EMAIL YOU THE CODE TO MAKE IT REALLY SIMPLE! I WOULD TRULY APPRECIATE IT!!!!

Awful 8.8 Earthquake in Chile

I can't get in touch with my grandma or anyone else. All lines are down. The Chilean news channel only shows crumbled buildings and terrible things and I'm writing because otherwise I'd have no nails to bite, or sweets to eat, and I'm tired of pacing around my house.

How mad is the Earth, really? This is bad;-(((

UPDATE: 7:20 PM EST
Got in touch with grandma finally and she's doing okay. She was a little groggy because her neighbor had given her some medicine to keep her nerves under control. She was sad because tons of keepsakes and furniture had broken but the house is doing well and she's not hurt. There's no electricity or water so I know she's struggling. My BFF Brian gave me a few hundred dollars to send to her and I'll add more to that just to make sure we help cover any damages and basic needs. We're still tracking down every family member since my father has 9 siblings and the extended family is rather large.

I feel so guilty for not being there. It's such an awful feeling to be here with all the comforts in the world and to have this little strip of land I care about so much be in such bad shape. I've been teary eyed all day... very sad;(

Thank you all for the wonderful wishes. It's pretty amazing when you know a few others around the world are thinking of you and wishing you well. I think my immediate family will be well... but so what... what about everyone else on the street and the millions left homeless. Who fixes that? Alas...

Here's a live stream of TV CHILE in case anyone wants to see the newscast we're watching at home. It's in Spanish... of course.

http://www.ustream.tv/channel/tv-de-chile

UPDATE 8:20 EST
I was just on the phone with grams when there was a nasty shake and I just heard the fear in her voice and the stuff breaking in the background. She had just finished cleaning up a bit. Oh, and someone broke in while she was out earlier and stole a few things including her wedding ring... the one she's had for over 60 years. F*CK THIS. Pardon my french. I'm losing my peace.

Writer's Block Be Gone!

Hi folks and folkettes – cheers from South Florida from me to you. I’m not exactly sure why I’m going through a writing funk but I am… it is what it is and I’m not fighting it. I also haven't been all that put together lately: insecurities and fears all creeping up and I had a serious heart-to-heart with myself about it. I'm a very good listener:) On a good note, I left 99% of the work stress behind, and finally blocked all the bad vibes and negativity that came along with these folks. I feel a bit scattered-brained tonight, but I want to write so here it is...

RANDOM AWESOME NIGHT
Tonight was a specially (“especially”? Forever confused about that) lovely night because I’m back working a few whisky tastings here and there and really mingling and meeting nice people. I was at The Ritz Carlton tonight where my taste assistant and I were cordially invited by the food & beverage director to dinner, wine/champagne, and the most delightful chocolate-covered strawberries. The bartenders were so charming and told us how much they appreciated the “good energy” from us and of course, as you can imagine, that is by far the greatest compliment in the world to me. My co-worker is going through a tough time in her personal life and it really is no coincidence she spent all this time with me.

We had a really good time and I think she walked away understanding that most people don’t leave the house for work and end up being treated to an amazing meal by their employer “just because.” I think she understood it’s quite a blessing and that these things aren’t to be taken for granted and that maybe… just maybe… it was the universe letting her know it’s all going to be alright. I know she’ll be alright. She just needs to find her way and she will. Can’t wait to see where it goes!

ENGLISH PhD UPDATE
I’ve heard from a few schools and they’ve all been rejections… *insert dramatic music here* ’Sol good! Everyone I know from school has been rejected riiiiight along with me so what can I say, it’s really competitive! However, I’m still waiting to hear from 20 grad schools and all Ivy League programs release their lists March 15th… those are long shots, but who knows… maybe they’re looking for a giant Chilean who can read and write and knows about whisky and comma usage and abusage – it could totally happen! *Sigh* So far, I’m NOT going to Northwestern, Stanford, Michigan, U of Chicago, Duke, and UCLA. The rest is TBD… *Loading new exciting life... please stand by*

SUPER GOOD NEWS
Remember that I set my father up on a date? Well call me Cupid and pat me on the back because they hit it off and are officially “together”! Well… almost. She’s now in Colombia with her family and my father is waiting eagerly for her return. "If I had to wait over 50 years to meet the woman of my dreams, then it was worth every second" --> coolest thing my father has EVER said. I hear wedding bells! *SELF-HUG*

LUV LIFE

Paulo Coelho’s Facebook update tonight was great: “Hearts are made to be used, not to be stored in a safe deposit box.” Well, Mr. Coelho… I’ll take that into consideration. But I’m suspicious! No new love interest in my life by the way. I am however, crushing on “Jim” from The Ghost Whisperer. I likey.

LA FAMILY
Little sister is well. She’s still in Orlando going to school and talking to some boy in Chicago. Ugh… I don’t like this one bit. Dad is of course happy as a clam. Grandma in Chile is looking forward to my arrival sometime in May/June and I can’t wait to see her. I’m NOT looking forward to the freezing temperatures in Santiago, but I cannot wait to have tea and sweets with her by the old heater.

CINDY STUFF
Is it nutty that, unbeknownst to me, I am apparently really nervous about giving up all my stuff? I think the reality of moving and the nitty gritty details of what I would take, and what I would sell, and what to do with this couch that I love so much just got to me somehow. I know it’s just stuff and it is of course replaceable and for all practical purposes quite meaningless, but I’ve worked so hard to put a home together that I think I just got scared… Then I felt silly for worrying about it which made me question my own growth and ability to do what I need to do. Then I went on a shopping spree mostly because I won’t be ale to do so later on, and promptly went back to feeling silly with a lovely dash of icky vanity added to the mix. Well… you get the idea. The good news is that I figured it out and I’m mostly cured. Mostly. Note to self: KEEP IT SIMPLE, STUPID!

EXEUNT
I'm alright. I'm healthy, incredibly loved, and over-fed. I don't have much to complain about and if you saw the bright blue, sunny sky shining over the water in Miami, you'd smile too. I always shy away from everyone when I'm feeling out of sorts somehow. I'm not one to share right away and I think that's part of my writing block. I should work on that. In the mean time, I'm alright. You have no idea how beautiful my life is... sometimes I forget and I'm glad you're hear to remind me! Oooohhhh, I just got the chills... and there's the big smile on my face... aaaww I even let out a chuckle. Good times!

Follow your bliss!

It's the only way to live, ya know...

Cindy's Soliloquy

As Ursula passed from girlhood towards womanhood, gradually the cloud of self-responsibility gathered upon her. She became aware of herself, that she was a separate entity in the midst of an unseparated obscurity, that she must go somewhere, she must become something. And she was afraid, troubled. Why, oh why must one grow up, why must one inherit this heavy, numbing responsibility of living an undiscovered life? Out of the nothingness and the undifferentiated mass, to make something of oneself! But what? In the obscurity and pathlessness, to take a direction! But whither? How take even one step? And yet, how stand still? This was torment indeed, to inherit the responsibility of one's own life.

When was the moment you became aware of your individuality and the responsibility of your own life? The moment you understood you really were a single entity - a combination of forces, will, soul and the unexplainable that make us... us. And then after that's done (if ever), how do we go on? And to where?

In Lawrence's The Rainbow, the characters' complexity is directly proportional to the downfall of their romantic relationships. In other words, the more individual and complete you are, the harder if not impossible it becomes to find a suitable partner. Pairing up of course threatens your individuality...

....Sooooo... then what? How do you, if ever, find that balance? Is it even possible?

To be oneself was a supreme, gleaming triumph of infinity.

What about the known vs. the unknown? Many years ago, a lifetime ago it seems, I was engaged to be married, soon to live within the confines of a white picket fence, with routine visits to friends and shopping malls, and a successful corporate career I could've taken anywhere I desired. And yet I KNEW it was all wrong. I was tragically unhappy and had no idea why or how I had gotten there. I'd turn off the lights and cried while watching my partner sleep next to me blissfully unaware of the turmoil I lived every single day.

How could it be wrong? Didn't I have what others spend forever trying to achieve? It was all so right, wasn't it?

And now I think back and realize... it was just the known. All along... it was all just known... it was expected... it was easy and it was guaranteed. It was routine, it was daily, it was simple only because I didn't care to complicate it by acknowledging my reality and individuality. I was part of the mass living that dreadful vanilla, quiet desperation. It was killing me.

I was repulsed by it.

So I separated from the undifferentiated mass and it was awful. For years it was just awful. I didn't know up from down and went from job to job and date to date. Why not? I thought, this is what I wanted, right? I wanted to feel; to feel anything! So I felt... like hell I felt.

Eventually, the right people walked in and the wrong ones went out. I was able to sit at home on a Saturday night reading a good book without fearing my own psyche. Nothing was ever perfect, but my imperfections were okay and in fact, they were quite beautiful and some very funny! Eventually, my individuality and my flaws became assets and not something I fought against. I took responsibility for my own life and I was no longer troubled by it. The undiscovered became the understood.

So like Ursula, I sit and wait for my mystical new man. The balanced and complete novel character whose happiness will compliment mine and whose life will fit right along my path. We shall have long metaphysical discussions about the meaning of affected Victorian poems and long soliloquies while sipping fine chardonnay and traveling the world in our sparkly horse carriage. We shall live happily ever after. Or will we? Or will anyone?

Isn't it pretty to think so...


(pics via vi.sualize.us)

Life's Vicissitudes

I haven't felt like writing lately. Between class and long novels and a job that fogs my brain and immobilizes my creativity... I'm just tired. My eyes are puffy and my body is exhausted.

I don't feel like writing much now. I want to just sit on my couch and not think. Thinking really IS overrated.

I'm thankful for the abundance and I simultaneously resent how drained I feel lately. I'm out of shape and out of sorts. I'm off the wagon and unconnected to everything that matters. I let silly situations that are truly irrelevant in my life bother me and ruin the better part of my day. I miss exercising, dance class, and a good disposition. I'm in the best of moods when I'm reading a good story in class or drinking coffee with Prof. Marcus at the book store. Otherwise, my phone rings with problems, my email box fills up with futile requests, and someone somewhere needs me to stop by for something that was probably unnecessary in the first place.

I get it. It's just life.

Well................. NOT my life. I'm looking forward to reading poetry for a living. I rather stress out over a long paper ANY DAY than over a useless event schedule making very rude people richer and trying very hard to please the unpleasable. I mean really, if my boss EVER looked at me and told me to shut the f**k up I wouldn't even acknowledge their presence any longer and just walk away. This is the energy around me lately... low... so very low and negative.

I'm trying to deflect it. I'm trying.

I understand now why I'm an awful addition to their team and actually feel better about it? Huh... it reminds me of Prof. Marcus talking about D.H. Lawrence writing to figure out things and not writing about things he already knew. I don't fit into this program because they're vibrating so low that we miss each other completely. So I shouldn't worry about it and just work less and smarter.

Huh... well there you go... I'm delighted by my own cleverness!

*self-hug*

Thanks-you's coming this week... many things and many of you make me smile daily. Whining session is over and big girl panties are back on.

Apropos of Nothing...

It's 2:21 AM and I'm pooped, but I have a few updates on the adventures in Cindiland. Here's a bulleted list because I REALLY should be going to sleep:

• Super hot guy from my previous post wrote me an e-mail. It was just a benign reminder to send him an event's info that he was interested in attending. Of course I got all giddy and wrote back... And of course I never heard from him again. Oh well... he could've been a rather exquisite waste of my time.
  
• My father decided NOT to take the job opportunity in Seattle. I'm frustrated, but he has made up his mind and already convinced himself there are "too many loose ends" here for him to just pack up and leave. Not sure what that means, but so be it.
  
• However... my daddy has a date! A daaaaaate! My super good deed of the YEAR has been done. I got my old man a date with my good friend Janet's mom:) YAY! He's so cute too... He's coming over to my house tomorrow early and we're driving around the area he wants to take her to because he's not very familiar with it and doesn't want to get lost and look goofy. He's so cute!
  
• Grad school apps are all in and I haven't heard anything from anyone. I don't expect to until end of February - April. The GRE folks screwed up AGAIN and sent my scores to Wisconsin instead of Michigan.... Alas... Who ARE these people?!?!?!
• I had a good talk with a boy in my Victorian poetry class. More about this later, but I think I helped him overcome some insecurities about being bi-lingual and of a different culture. Plus, I appreciate him searching for a deeper meaning and following his bliss. I want to clone him and move to that city:)
• Did I mention my dad has a date??!?!?! I'm SO excited that I just can't hide it. Truth is... I'd love to move away knowing that he has someone wonderful in his life. So fine, it's a slightly self-serving act... SLIGHTLY.
• I have a roomie. My friend Daniella is going through a tough time and she's now staying in my spare room. I haven't had a roommate since my sister moved away so I guess this is a bit of an adjustment. She's 21... aaawwww... I know her from dance class and mutual friends and she's a really good girl. Holy schnykes... she's my sister's replacement. I have issues.

And I have tiredness. (My friend Brian says that because that's how the phrase is literally translated from Spanish.) I also have hunger, but after the holidays I could use a bit of abstemiousness.............

....... huh huh? Pretty good word, eh? It's okay to be impressed.

I have sleepy now. Good night.


(Pics via vi.sualize.us)

Irrefutable Proof That I've Got NO GAME

Yesterday I spent a few hours looking at warehouses to hold an event. This one in particular looked rather inconspicuous outside and wasn't as big as the rest. I don't know why that would be interesting to you, but anyhoozens... I parked right in front of it, behind some fancy car which I figured was the owner's. I knocked but no one answered and since the door was ajar, I just walked in slowly half expecting to be kicked out.

Me: "Hellllloooo! It's Cindy... We just spoke on the phone"

And out of thin air appears this GORGEOUS, tall man with longish, light brown hair, mid to late 30s, sporting jeans and some kind of leather jacket, with a perfect smile, and a vvvvvvery cool walk.

Me: "Kevin?"
Him: "No, Scott. We just spoke."
Me: "Oh right, Scott. Why would I call you Kevin? *Hahaha... fake nervous laugh*
Him: "Do I look like a Kevin?"
Me: "Nah... you're totally a Scott" (Better answer: you're much better looking than a Scott)

So he welcomes me in and invites me to look around. I then proceed to drop aaaaall the paperwork that I was carrying inside my books. Apparently, I loose all feeling in my arms when I'm attracted to someone. A few nervous chuckles after that, I drop my pen, which of course against all odds rolls right under a desk and hits the wall. So I bend down to get it, hit my head on the desk on the way up, and pretty much solidify my loser status right off the bat.

After that fantastic episode, I follow him around while he talks to me about the venue. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah... I'm literary not even listening and hoping to either run away never to be seen again or moving in and spending my life just looking at him. Either one would be acceptable. Then, for WHATEVER reason, I just decide to take my car keys out of my pocket and put them on a random table...

Me: "Oh wait, I really shouldn't leave my keys there"
Him: "Yeah... probably"
Me: "I mean, it's not like they're heavy or something"
Him: *blank stare*

"It's not like they're heavy or something"?!?!?!?

WHAT. THE. HELL. WAS. THAT?

I thank this incredible specimen for his time, walk out strategically managing to not fall on my face, get into my car, and put my head down on the steering wheel slowly but surely coming to terms with my inevitable and perpetual spinsterdom.

When I look up he is in front of me, Ferrari convertible top down, waving goodbye, and probably hoping I get home in one piece...

Call me? *sigh*

We Read To Know We Are Not Alone

I wrote that down today in class. It's a quote from the British novelist C.S. Lewis and it really made think about our cyber community here and the stories we read and write daily for that incessant need to communicate with the world and share our lives and sometimes very intimate thoughts. We do read to know there are others out there and we smile every time someone chimes in with a word or two.

We're not alone. Interesting........

So I'm officially the president of the Professor Marcus University Fan Club and I follow him around every Tuesday and Thursday to Victorian Poetry and Modern Literature. Today was the first day of school and as I drove on to campus I felt that familiar, addictive rush and excitement that I absolutely LOVE. Actually, I got teary-eyed but I didn't want to confess... in the spirit of sharing I might as well: I am sap! There, now you know.

So, why does the novel matter?

Professor Marcus threw that out there very nonchalantly like he was asking to describe our winter vacation or talk about our pets on show-and-tell day. Needless to say it turned into a great discussion about life and love and completeness and the conscious and unconscious and the metaphysical and Jungian and on and on and on...

The novel is the one bright book of life. Books are not life. They are only tremulations of the ether. But the novel as a tremulation can make the whole man tremble." - DH Lawrence

My friend Marcela, who happens to be a wonderful artist and photographer, asked me why I wanted to teach not too long ago. It slipped out rather seamlessly that I just couldn't think of a better way to change the world. That literature was just my excuse to be there and although I loved it, teaching and reaching out to others was my true passion and motivation.

I asked a young classmate today how come she was dropping her pre-med major. She looked at me straight in the eyes and said: "I can live without science, but I can't live without [art]."

Need I say more?

Carpe Diem!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(pictures via vi.sualize.us)

Walking Gets Too Boring When You Learn How To Fly

Here’s to making resolutions for a wonderful new decade and wishing our loved ones a warm, happy new year while wondering if anything will really change at all!

Salud! *Tight Hugs*

Carry on please… Your quiet desperation awaits…

My father, who over twenty years ago took a rather successful giant leap of faith by moving his entire family to a new country, is having an awful hard time deciding whether to take a job opportunity near Seattle that pays more than twice his current salary. He calls me to discuss it every other hour and likes to incessantly list the reasons why it’s not a good idea. What about health insurance for your sister? What will I do about the house? Your aunt really doesn’t want me go… And what if I don’t like it there?

So what about the cheers and the hugs and the champagne we drink at midnight on the last day of every year we’ve ever known? Are we just going through the motions because that’s what we have always done and what our families and friends do? Or do we take that drink, eat those twelve grapes, and really… truly… take on this new decade by the BALLS and make it ours?!

The funny thing about happiness and adventure is that it’s actually up to you. It’s really your choice.

No really… it is!

I can’t make my father take the job offer, but tomorrow I’m spending time with him updating his resume and reminding him that we’re more likely to regret the things we don’t do than the risks we take. I’ll remind him that in a few months if all the planets align and all fairy dust has its way, I’ll be dropping my life as I know it and on my way to school, and that my sister is already living her own adventure while learning a few lessons along the way. I’ll remind him again that children come through you but not for you and that my aunt needs to live her own passions and let him live out his. It is not his job to assure anyone’s happiness but his own.

And so all I can do is open the door and hope he walks through. I’m not responsible for his happiness either and if he chooses complacency instead of opportunity and learning… well… that’s just his path and I will love him no less.

Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it all happen.

I think about that all the time… I live it ALL the time.

So I made the decision not to be fearful, to be happy, and to follow my bliss. I decided to finally listen to my guides and wonderful friends who saw things much clearer before I ever did. It was a conspiracy alright… a really, really good one. Thank you… to all of you here, up there, anywhere.

Wholehearted warm wishes in this new year. May the universe conspire in your favor and may the search for truth and happiness be the guiding light in your life.

Your dreams await, you know…

Where are you flying to?

…cause I’m a gypsy
Are you coming with me?
I might steal your clothes and wear them if they fit me…

(pics via weheartit.com)