1. You are reactive and not proactive
You fail to anticipate things and end up putting out fires instead of planting seeds. The future isn't promised to any of us, but we should learn from out past and be able to clearly foresee certain outcomes. If your tire pressure has been low for two weeks, are you really surprised you're stuck on the highway at midnight waiting for the tow truck? Take responsibility for your actions. Plan, but don't commit to just one way of doing things. Remember that flexibility, fluidity, and change are positive (and useful) words in your life!


2. You are incapable of parking within the lines
At what point did you think that taking up two spaces to park your seedy South Beach weekend rental was okay? It's not. Ever. 


3. You are are a chronic late arrivee...
Early is on time and on time is late. You can blame my high school band director for that one. This one really boils down to respect. When you are late to meet a friend - whether you've known them for a week or ten years - you are basically saying, hey... I just don't really value your time and think that it is okay to waste it. Reasons are unimportant and we all have them (good ones!). Don't make appointments you cannot keep and remember that a simple 30-second phone call as soon as you realize you will be late is greatly appreciated. 

4. You purchase 27 items at the express late
I get it... question authority, rage against the machine, down with the man! All very valid arguments (not), but can you please do so after I pay for this single half gallon of milk? Respect, remember?


5. You love stuff and always want more
I had a friend tell me the other day that he would like to live like a snail - carrying all he needs on his back. I really love that visual! Stuff is transient. We'll always want bigger, better, faster, the latest model of everything. For what? That quick, momentary pleasure and possible ego stroke? It's so fleeting and useless... Aspire for experiences instead. Travel and learn and never sit in a crowded room thinking you'd like to do all of that but... what do I do with all my stuff? Live simply.

6. You are unequivocally, comfortably, (and tragically) NOT curious
Question the meaning of everything and gain a thirst for knowledge. There are people out there who are fully opposed to the way you think, and they in fact live wonderful, harmonious, incredibly great lives! Go figure, eh? Learn their ideas and be able to argue reasonably, respectfully, and coherently. Travel  and experience culture. Eat something you never thought you would. Sit quietly on a mountain and think and think and think some more until you actually hear what the breeze is saying... (you're just going to have to trust me on that one!). Read and become an expert on something. Anything! This is how we grow, this is how we create, this is what drives our existence forward. Complacency and indifference have a place within us, but don't let them be the guiding force in your life. Explore!

Pics via vi.sualize.com

6 Reasons Why You Suck at Life

"Well Cindy, since for whatever reason I just can't figure you out, I'm going to tell you my secrets...."

Didn't I tell you in my last post that human nature never ceases to amaze me? He seemed so "normal" and was so charming! Reminded me of Dexter... you know, the mass murdering psychopath from the HBO series?

I met him on a late weekend outing in Santiago last month. I had taken the subway to meet my cousins out for a drink - warm vodka with gingerale. The water in South America is my kryptonite. We ended up at a nightclub on the main city avenue. We had been there once before and had a great time so why not tonight? I'm only here for a weeks so we might as well enjoy every minute. 

I noticed this one guy wanting to say hello and trying to get close. Eventually he spoke to my cousin who naively came over and introduced him to me. He was cute... average looking, but nice and awfully witty. That combo always gets me. He was 28 and for all practical purposes so was I! The usual flirty questions were asked, we danced and laughed and I kept trying to dodge his attempts to lock lips although I kinda wanted to...


As the night turned to dawn, I realized he really, really just wanted a fling. Being on vacation in a strange city on a random night, I admit it wasn't out of the question, but there was something not quite right about this guy. When he realized the deal was just not going to be sealed, we went and got something to eat (almost in defeat!) - full, 5-star restaurant open at 6AM... go figure. 


Then I got the lowdown on how he lies his way into anyone's bed and how he "preps" them from the moment he says "hola..." I got 3 very distinct "prepping moves" meant to sucker you into a make-believe world and personality that never existed. I was baffled, a little nervous, but too curious to stop now. Then I was told exactly how each kind of woman is "worked" - the single mom, the divorcee, the lonely office girl, the traveler and on and on.......


I wanted to run out of there and couldn't! It was so incredibly surreal. I'll never forget the look on his face when he told me that "the secret to it all is to never, EVER, give a sh*t about anyone's feelings." He smiled and I saw exactly why his mother used to tell him he was brightness on the outside and pure darkness within. I think for a second I saw and felt him to the core....


I wasn't completely immune to the game... I wanted to believe him I really did! It was all so sweet and exhilarating! The music, the drinks, the people...  Although I preach that everyone is guilty until proven innocent... *sigh* Nothing like the anonymity of a strange city to make you feel invincible.  

Pics via vi.sualize.us

Invincible

I ache for balance.

After spending a month in Chile I realize that I’m a certifiable extremist. It’s like shades of gray escape me. Alas! Nothing like a long vacation to reflect on life, love, and how awful Hugh Laurie sounds dubbed in Spanish. Awful…!

I tend to either write write write or write nothing at all. Eat the same avocado/tomato sandwich for weeks until the thought of another veggie makes me want to burn down the crops. I either date date date or practically join a monastery or stay home with my books and my stories. I wear the same shoes over and over although I have more pairs than my bank account can handle. And I’ve sincerely come to the conclusion that none of these shenanigans do anyone any good.

This year I strive for balance.

I’m finishing up my masters in English Literature in a few months… can’t even believe it myself. I’m looking into PhD programs all over the country and wondering if I can actually do this. And I’m still teaching college writing and I STILL love it. Yes yes yes I do and hopefully it’ll stay that way.

My last trip back home was emotional… meant to reconnect, reflect, and maybe even apologize. This time around it was exciting and in its own twisted way somehow enlightening. I’ll be telling you bits and pieces. Human nature never ceases to amaze me.

Balance…starting right now. 

Work, schedules, books, ideas, lessons all week… come the weekend... let the warm Miami nights tell my story... Cheers!

Balance

I'm teaching my own college writing class.

Me.

Teaching.

My own class.

Is it becuz I right good? Or beecause eye talk fine? it most be because i spel gr8 and has good grammer.

Otherwise, who'd trust me with a class of 18-year-olds fresh out of high school, one college senior, and a husband and wife team with two older children looking to better their chances in life with a college degree?

There's the fab four team sitting up front to my left who come to class after playing soccer for two hours every morning. They're all from out of state and they all confessed to being terrible writers. They're not allowed to say that aloud again. There's Carlos in the back who's a brilliant thinker and a conspiracy theorist. Carlos writes incredible papers and cannot seem to grasp the concept of passive vs. active voice. Then there's R & R - a pair of twins who crack jokes all morning but do all their work and haven't missed a day yet. There's Liz who is very shy, with a very thick accent, but so passionate that when she speaks, it's like the world stops to listen. She cried telling us about The Dream Act and why it should be a law. Then there's Patty and Luis who work at the university and are trying really hard to pass so they can get refunded for tuition. I'm pretty sure Patty writers her husband's essays. And then there's Santiago who likes to kiss up to me and knows very well that flattery will take him EVERYWHERE.

I see them Monday through Thursday at 9:30 AM. I like them all. Even the serious girl in the back who one time sat through the class with earphones on possibly not all that interested in what I had to say. I broke through to Harrington lately. He was very quiet up until we had the most exciting discussion about California bringing gay history into the classroom. He had plenty to say about that.

I tell them to follow their bliss on a daily basis. I stop them when they stumble through an answer and fill it with "whatever" and "basically" and "like, you know's". In my class you speak with CONVICTION. 

Eduardo didn't make it to class yesterday, but he sent me an email with a complete analysis of the NPR article I had them read for homework. Why is playing Wagner's music in Israel a complicated issue? What's the assumption? Should a brilliant artist's personal beliefs be taken into consideration when judging his work?

At the end of the day, how important is good grammar when you can't think your way through an argument or see blatant fallacies and bad deductions. Maybe you have a bad case of circular reasoning like, "Smoking is injurious to your health, so you shouldn't smoke because it's bad for your body." Yes, you said that already - thank you Captain Obvious.

Or maybe you're so afraid of putting thoughts to paper because the result might just be... well... a bit too honest and a bit too scary...

Last night while working a late night event and making more money in two hours than I do teaching all week, Brooke - a bartender at a fancy lounge in Fort Lauderdale asked me if I did other kinds of work. I told her I was a teacher.

And for the first time I actually believed it.

[pics via vi.sualize.us]

Transformations

I feel disconnected from my writing and my words. I haven’t quite felt very “useful” in that sense in a while. Is it that I’m missing the quintessential knife in my back or a broken heart or that insatiable sadness that seems to inevitably permeate an artist of any kind as they bleed out some kind masterpiece?

(Insatiable is such a good word, isn’t it? It’s raw and somehow sensual with a fleeting dash of sweet, benign violence....)

So how damaged do you have to be to create something meaningful? History is fairly reliable and people like Darwin, Van Gogh, and Woolf were manic depressive, delusional, and split into several personalities with a touch of bipolar disorder here and there.  How likely would they have been to spend their lives outlining a rather useful theory of survival of the fittest while creating a dark, patchy sky with thick, thick stars, and planning a party all in one day… what a lark indeed!

How can we tap into that heart-wrenching flow of ingenuity without being confined to a virtual straight jacket?

Of course, the idea of “meaningful” is highly abstract and subjective, and who is to say that Mrs. Dalloway’s party was of any use to anyone else other than the literature buff who enjoys endless paragraphs and convoluted stream of consciousness. 

But the question still stands, can we write from the heart when we barely remember is even there?

Maybe that’s why I’m so disconnected from my words. I’ve forgotten how to create for creation’s sake. I’m a reactive writer instead of a proactive writer and I no longer write to discover. If language really flows like wine on lips, why is it so hard sometimes to pour yourself a fancy glass? 

[pics via vi.sualize.us]

insatiable... or something like it.

Going to the DMV is going to suck no matter how many appointments you made, how on time you made it there, and how prepared you are. Remember this promising thought --> It's going to suck. The big one. No matter what.

When you pay good money to get your car detailed, make sure they open the trunk and clean out your junk. Yes, the junk in your trunk. Ha ha. I'm not amused. 

Smacking your 3-yr-old across the face in front of me will create an uncomfortable situation... for you. It's going to be bad... bad... bad.

HOWEVER... There's this:

Kierkegaard. 

My roommate's big, fat cat. 

What a life, eh?! ;-P

3 lame thoughts on this lame day

Today I went to the shoe repair place in my neighborhood because my favorite pair of summery heels needed emergency surgery. Have you been to a real shoe repair place lately? Last time I stepped in one I was about 7 years old, holding on to grandpa's hand and probably bored and pestering to go home.

I tell ya... not much has changed since the 80s! The big, wooden front desk where you place your ailing shoes while hoping desperately there's some way to salvage your purchase is intact. The weird machines that sound like a dentist's drill on steroids are still loud and dirty. The sad, old shoes all over the the counter haven't moved at all, and the shoe-lace rack is still collecting dust in the corner. 

 But the smell... that incomparable smell of melted neoprene coupled with worn leather whisked me right back home to Chile . Every breath reminded me of grandpa's work room where I would sit and watch him move around hoping desperately he'd give me a useful chore to do. But i only wanteonly if it would really help and not because I was a kid! I hated to be given busy work. Ha! I just remembered that.

Apparently memories triggered involuntarily by one of our senses were first mentioned by the French writer Marcel Proust. This has now become common knowledge and we are all very aware that certain sights, tastes, and particular smells can flood our psyche with at times uninvited thoughts and memories. 

This was a good one for me. I'm looking forward to more shoes needing CPR soon. 

memories and shoe repair

I've never felt so free. I've had these pesky goals for so long and I've worked so hard to achieve so much in search of some elusive idea of happiness that seems to always float right ahead of me, but never fully within my reach. Someone said it was like trying to grab a hold of gas with your hands - it always slips through your fingers no matter how hard you try. 

What does it mean... really... to BE truly, impeccably happy?

Damned if I know!

And yet I'm not sitting here bleeding all out or wishing things were different or better. In fact, I'm quite content and I think I've figured out a secret... I have zero expectations on anything. The most tortured people I know are the ones that have taken the time to arduously develop a timeline for their existence--> Masters degree by 23, marriage by 26, children by 31, trip to Europe by 35, successful business by 42, boat by 45, early retirement by 50, and you get the idea... Was it by instinct that I never, ever thought this way? Who knows, but I tell you what, life is incredibly sweet when you just go along with what seems to come your way because things WILL just come your way no matter how many handy dandy checklists you walk around with...

I have this incredible sense of peace and I've come to realize that I enjoy living what some may think of as an "unconventional" existence. I don't have the 9-to-5 nor do I have plans of getting one; I don't have too many "things" and have decided I don't want them. Sometimes I have health insurance... most of the time I don't. I live a simple life and so money is just a tool for survival (you have no idea how amazing that feels). I'm in my early thirties, unmarried and childless (GASP!) and usually dateless because tall, handsome, and curiously intelligent men have failed to spawn around here nor grow on trees in my neighborhood. I work late nights, I sleep in on Mondays, I'll travel anywhere on my own because I crave that feeling of anonymity in a strange city, and I'm thinking about adding red streaks to my hair. Bright red.

So let's see...I've been a personal assistant, a writer, a waitress, a copy editor, a medical editor, a bartender, a skinny and hungry South Beach model-wanna-be, a teacher, a store clerk, a marketing manager, a whisky brand ambassador, a telemarketer, a real estate market analyst, a fitness drink sales person, and recently a business owner and grad student. I don't think I've ever written all that out before... awesome. Today I am a graduate student of English Literature, I teach college writing as part of my scholarship, and I work late nights in random bars promoting something or other while running Sharkkbait Entertainment Group with my roommate on what seems to be very little spare time (except for now that it's summer when time abounds and so do lazy days on my couch watching way too many episodes of The Mentalist and Criminal Minds).

I consider myself professionally successful with a mountain of experience while others might think I should be studied or be thoroughly medicated for whatever cures this complete inability to settle for anything less than breathtakingly amazing. Should I just pick one path and stick with it? Too bad I know know what happens to those that stick with it because they "should." VANILLA! And you know how I feel about vanilla...

Happiness seems to be like that latest fancy gadget you've always wanted. Unfortunately as soon as you spend your hard-earned money to buy it something better, bigger, and fancier is available, and you're left feeling like you're missing out somehow... cheated. 

And so we come full circle back to expectations... I've decided to plan for the immediate future but live for right now. Try everything and take big risks. Love family, friends, and late nights where anything can happen. Tomorrow isn't guaranteed for anyone and yet the possibilites are endless!

Happiness for me seems to float around peace, growth, love, and adventure. I've got it all now... hopefully it won't slip right through my fingers any time soon. It shouldn't, since I'm always in control of my own reaction to anything, right? Theoretically no one and nothing can affect me adversely unless I let it... THEORETICALLY. There's one HELL of a project for all of us!

But you can start by figuring this out:  if nothing changed in your life (generally speaking) and things stayed just the way they are now for the rest of your days, would you be happy? 

If yes --> Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet.

If no --> FIX IT AND GET TO GETTIN' IMMEDIATELY

Carpe Diem!!!

[Pics via vi.sualize.us]

that pesky idea of happiness

That's what my friend Brian said to me the other day. We have a strange and wonderful relationship... he's strange and I'm wonderful. You see, I was on my way out to peddle the latest flavor of fancy vodka and my outfit was well...rather scandalous.

I realize that I vacillate between "ohmygodshootmeI'minmy30'swearingthisdressandpouringdrinks" to "Hey there sexy thang! I'm in my 30's wearing THIS... Yeah!" I favor the latter, but I go back and forth. It's incredibly good money and I might as well milk it all because I won't be able to compete with the youngsters for much longer.

On that depressing note, last night my friend Amy who was working a booze promo with me got spit on by a drunk, had a case of Coronas fall and spill all over her legs, and I had a drink splatter all over my dress and on my face. Ah yes, all in one night of promo gigs. Sweeeeet. Memorial Day Weekend in South Florida is dreadful, by the way, stay home and make it a Netflix weekend.

Then I remembered that I'm now one year away from my masters in literature, that I'll be teaching this summer term at school, that I've written some incredibly dull academic papers but have gotten incredibly good grades on them, and that it's okay to not put any expectations on what I do, and that it's okay to serve you a drink happily and have a good time doing it after spending the entire day at the library figuring out how to tackle Djuna Barnes who by the way blows my mind with every sentence that much like this one, can go on forever bleeding out with every twist and turn and wow......... I realize that drifting with the current is wonderful and I'm embracing all of these experiences and following my bliss in whatever way it presents itself nowadays.

My dad says I have ants in my pants... that I can't stay still and just do one thing at a time. So Sharkkbait Entertainment Group is up and running now! My BFF Brian and I have joined forces to make it happen - event production and promotions. We'll be in New York in a week landing new business. I'm excited!

Sharkkbait Entertainment Group

Promote Your Page TooI want to write. I love doing it. I want to create. I love doing that too. I want to learn. I absolutely just crave it. I want to teach. I realize I do that - no matter where I am and it's beautiful. It's just beautiful. My friend Dani told me that blogs are meant to pour your heart out on and I agree... I haven't felt like doing so lately and so I've stayed away. But words build up inside and thoughts linger and here I am... always true, always hoping to connect and always wondering what next....

Does it matter? I've decided to just drift....

It's wonderful.

She was nervous about the future; it made her indelicate. She was one of the most unimportantly wicked women of her time--because she could not let her time alone, and yet could never be a part of it. She wanted to be the reason for everything and so was the cause of nothing. - Djuna Barnes, "Nightwood"(pg. 74).

you look great... for a whore.

I'm less than inspired to write from the heart lately... mostly from exhaustion and the odd ability of the day to fly by when I need double the hours to finish it all. But once in a while someone shines a little light to remind me why it's all going to be okay. Watch this...

honesty and ass kicking - awesome video