Cindy's Soliloquy

As Ursula passed from girlhood towards womanhood, gradually the cloud of self-responsibility gathered upon her. She became aware of herself, that she was a separate entity in the midst of an unseparated obscurity, that she must go somewhere, she must become something. And she was afraid, troubled. Why, oh why must one grow up, why must one inherit this heavy, numbing responsibility of living an undiscovered life? Out of the nothingness and the undifferentiated mass, to make something of oneself! But what? In the obscurity and pathlessness, to take a direction! But whither? How take even one step? And yet, how stand still? This was torment indeed, to inherit the responsibility of one's own life.

When was the moment you became aware of your individuality and the responsibility of your own life? The moment you understood you really were a single entity - a combination of forces, will, soul and the unexplainable that make us... us. And then after that's done (if ever), how do we go on? And to where?

In Lawrence's The Rainbow, the characters' complexity is directly proportional to the downfall of their romantic relationships. In other words, the more individual and complete you are, the harder if not impossible it becomes to find a suitable partner. Pairing up of course threatens your individuality...

....Sooooo... then what? How do you, if ever, find that balance? Is it even possible?

To be oneself was a supreme, gleaming triumph of infinity.

What about the known vs. the unknown? Many years ago, a lifetime ago it seems, I was engaged to be married, soon to live within the confines of a white picket fence, with routine visits to friends and shopping malls, and a successful corporate career I could've taken anywhere I desired. And yet I KNEW it was all wrong. I was tragically unhappy and had no idea why or how I had gotten there. I'd turn off the lights and cried while watching my partner sleep next to me blissfully unaware of the turmoil I lived every single day.

How could it be wrong? Didn't I have what others spend forever trying to achieve? It was all so right, wasn't it?

And now I think back and realize... it was just the known. All along... it was all just known... it was expected... it was easy and it was guaranteed. It was routine, it was daily, it was simple only because I didn't care to complicate it by acknowledging my reality and individuality. I was part of the mass living that dreadful vanilla, quiet desperation. It was killing me.

I was repulsed by it.

So I separated from the undifferentiated mass and it was awful. For years it was just awful. I didn't know up from down and went from job to job and date to date. Why not? I thought, this is what I wanted, right? I wanted to feel; to feel anything! So I felt... like hell I felt.

Eventually, the right people walked in and the wrong ones went out. I was able to sit at home on a Saturday night reading a good book without fearing my own psyche. Nothing was ever perfect, but my imperfections were okay and in fact, they were quite beautiful and some very funny! Eventually, my individuality and my flaws became assets and not something I fought against. I took responsibility for my own life and I was no longer troubled by it. The undiscovered became the understood.

So like Ursula, I sit and wait for my mystical new man. The balanced and complete novel character whose happiness will compliment mine and whose life will fit right along my path. We shall have long metaphysical discussions about the meaning of affected Victorian poems and long soliloquies while sipping fine chardonnay and traveling the world in our sparkly horse carriage. We shall live happily ever after. Or will we? Or will anyone?

Isn't it pretty to think so...


(pics via vi.sualize.us)

Life's Vicissitudes

I haven't felt like writing lately. Between class and long novels and a job that fogs my brain and immobilizes my creativity... I'm just tired. My eyes are puffy and my body is exhausted.

I don't feel like writing much now. I want to just sit on my couch and not think. Thinking really IS overrated.

I'm thankful for the abundance and I simultaneously resent how drained I feel lately. I'm out of shape and out of sorts. I'm off the wagon and unconnected to everything that matters. I let silly situations that are truly irrelevant in my life bother me and ruin the better part of my day. I miss exercising, dance class, and a good disposition. I'm in the best of moods when I'm reading a good story in class or drinking coffee with Prof. Marcus at the book store. Otherwise, my phone rings with problems, my email box fills up with futile requests, and someone somewhere needs me to stop by for something that was probably unnecessary in the first place.

I get it. It's just life.

Well................. NOT my life. I'm looking forward to reading poetry for a living. I rather stress out over a long paper ANY DAY than over a useless event schedule making very rude people richer and trying very hard to please the unpleasable. I mean really, if my boss EVER looked at me and told me to shut the f**k up I wouldn't even acknowledge their presence any longer and just walk away. This is the energy around me lately... low... so very low and negative.

I'm trying to deflect it. I'm trying.

I understand now why I'm an awful addition to their team and actually feel better about it? Huh... it reminds me of Prof. Marcus talking about D.H. Lawrence writing to figure out things and not writing about things he already knew. I don't fit into this program because they're vibrating so low that we miss each other completely. So I shouldn't worry about it and just work less and smarter.

Huh... well there you go... I'm delighted by my own cleverness!

*self-hug*

Thanks-you's coming this week... many things and many of you make me smile daily. Whining session is over and big girl panties are back on.

Apropos of Nothing...

It's 2:21 AM and I'm pooped, but I have a few updates on the adventures in Cindiland. Here's a bulleted list because I REALLY should be going to sleep:

• Super hot guy from my previous post wrote me an e-mail. It was just a benign reminder to send him an event's info that he was interested in attending. Of course I got all giddy and wrote back... And of course I never heard from him again. Oh well... he could've been a rather exquisite waste of my time.
  
• My father decided NOT to take the job opportunity in Seattle. I'm frustrated, but he has made up his mind and already convinced himself there are "too many loose ends" here for him to just pack up and leave. Not sure what that means, but so be it.
  
• However... my daddy has a date! A daaaaaate! My super good deed of the YEAR has been done. I got my old man a date with my good friend Janet's mom:) YAY! He's so cute too... He's coming over to my house tomorrow early and we're driving around the area he wants to take her to because he's not very familiar with it and doesn't want to get lost and look goofy. He's so cute!
  
• Grad school apps are all in and I haven't heard anything from anyone. I don't expect to until end of February - April. The GRE folks screwed up AGAIN and sent my scores to Wisconsin instead of Michigan.... Alas... Who ARE these people?!?!?!
• I had a good talk with a boy in my Victorian poetry class. More about this later, but I think I helped him overcome some insecurities about being bi-lingual and of a different culture. Plus, I appreciate him searching for a deeper meaning and following his bliss. I want to clone him and move to that city:)
• Did I mention my dad has a date??!?!?! I'm SO excited that I just can't hide it. Truth is... I'd love to move away knowing that he has someone wonderful in his life. So fine, it's a slightly self-serving act... SLIGHTLY.
• I have a roomie. My friend Daniella is going through a tough time and she's now staying in my spare room. I haven't had a roommate since my sister moved away so I guess this is a bit of an adjustment. She's 21... aaawwww... I know her from dance class and mutual friends and she's a really good girl. Holy schnykes... she's my sister's replacement. I have issues.

And I have tiredness. (My friend Brian says that because that's how the phrase is literally translated from Spanish.) I also have hunger, but after the holidays I could use a bit of abstemiousness.............

....... huh huh? Pretty good word, eh? It's okay to be impressed.

I have sleepy now. Good night.


(Pics via vi.sualize.us)

Irrefutable Proof That I've Got NO GAME

Yesterday I spent a few hours looking at warehouses to hold an event. This one in particular looked rather inconspicuous outside and wasn't as big as the rest. I don't know why that would be interesting to you, but anyhoozens... I parked right in front of it, behind some fancy car which I figured was the owner's. I knocked but no one answered and since the door was ajar, I just walked in slowly half expecting to be kicked out.

Me: "Hellllloooo! It's Cindy... We just spoke on the phone"

And out of thin air appears this GORGEOUS, tall man with longish, light brown hair, mid to late 30s, sporting jeans and some kind of leather jacket, with a perfect smile, and a vvvvvvery cool walk.

Me: "Kevin?"
Him: "No, Scott. We just spoke."
Me: "Oh right, Scott. Why would I call you Kevin? *Hahaha... fake nervous laugh*
Him: "Do I look like a Kevin?"
Me: "Nah... you're totally a Scott" (Better answer: you're much better looking than a Scott)

So he welcomes me in and invites me to look around. I then proceed to drop aaaaall the paperwork that I was carrying inside my books. Apparently, I loose all feeling in my arms when I'm attracted to someone. A few nervous chuckles after that, I drop my pen, which of course against all odds rolls right under a desk and hits the wall. So I bend down to get it, hit my head on the desk on the way up, and pretty much solidify my loser status right off the bat.

After that fantastic episode, I follow him around while he talks to me about the venue. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah... I'm literary not even listening and hoping to either run away never to be seen again or moving in and spending my life just looking at him. Either one would be acceptable. Then, for WHATEVER reason, I just decide to take my car keys out of my pocket and put them on a random table...

Me: "Oh wait, I really shouldn't leave my keys there"
Him: "Yeah... probably"
Me: "I mean, it's not like they're heavy or something"
Him: *blank stare*

"It's not like they're heavy or something"?!?!?!?

WHAT. THE. HELL. WAS. THAT?

I thank this incredible specimen for his time, walk out strategically managing to not fall on my face, get into my car, and put my head down on the steering wheel slowly but surely coming to terms with my inevitable and perpetual spinsterdom.

When I look up he is in front of me, Ferrari convertible top down, waving goodbye, and probably hoping I get home in one piece...

Call me? *sigh*

We Read To Know We Are Not Alone

I wrote that down today in class. It's a quote from the British novelist C.S. Lewis and it really made think about our cyber community here and the stories we read and write daily for that incessant need to communicate with the world and share our lives and sometimes very intimate thoughts. We do read to know there are others out there and we smile every time someone chimes in with a word or two.

We're not alone. Interesting........

So I'm officially the president of the Professor Marcus University Fan Club and I follow him around every Tuesday and Thursday to Victorian Poetry and Modern Literature. Today was the first day of school and as I drove on to campus I felt that familiar, addictive rush and excitement that I absolutely LOVE. Actually, I got teary-eyed but I didn't want to confess... in the spirit of sharing I might as well: I am sap! There, now you know.

So, why does the novel matter?

Professor Marcus threw that out there very nonchalantly like he was asking to describe our winter vacation or talk about our pets on show-and-tell day. Needless to say it turned into a great discussion about life and love and completeness and the conscious and unconscious and the metaphysical and Jungian and on and on and on...

The novel is the one bright book of life. Books are not life. They are only tremulations of the ether. But the novel as a tremulation can make the whole man tremble." - DH Lawrence

My friend Marcela, who happens to be a wonderful artist and photographer, asked me why I wanted to teach not too long ago. It slipped out rather seamlessly that I just couldn't think of a better way to change the world. That literature was just my excuse to be there and although I loved it, teaching and reaching out to others was my true passion and motivation.

I asked a young classmate today how come she was dropping her pre-med major. She looked at me straight in the eyes and said: "I can live without science, but I can't live without [art]."

Need I say more?

Carpe Diem!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(pictures via vi.sualize.us)

Walking Gets Too Boring When You Learn How To Fly

Here’s to making resolutions for a wonderful new decade and wishing our loved ones a warm, happy new year while wondering if anything will really change at all!

Salud! *Tight Hugs*

Carry on please… Your quiet desperation awaits…

My father, who over twenty years ago took a rather successful giant leap of faith by moving his entire family to a new country, is having an awful hard time deciding whether to take a job opportunity near Seattle that pays more than twice his current salary. He calls me to discuss it every other hour and likes to incessantly list the reasons why it’s not a good idea. What about health insurance for your sister? What will I do about the house? Your aunt really doesn’t want me go… And what if I don’t like it there?

So what about the cheers and the hugs and the champagne we drink at midnight on the last day of every year we’ve ever known? Are we just going through the motions because that’s what we have always done and what our families and friends do? Or do we take that drink, eat those twelve grapes, and really… truly… take on this new decade by the BALLS and make it ours?!

The funny thing about happiness and adventure is that it’s actually up to you. It’s really your choice.

No really… it is!

I can’t make my father take the job offer, but tomorrow I’m spending time with him updating his resume and reminding him that we’re more likely to regret the things we don’t do than the risks we take. I’ll remind him that in a few months if all the planets align and all fairy dust has its way, I’ll be dropping my life as I know it and on my way to school, and that my sister is already living her own adventure while learning a few lessons along the way. I’ll remind him again that children come through you but not for you and that my aunt needs to live her own passions and let him live out his. It is not his job to assure anyone’s happiness but his own.

And so all I can do is open the door and hope he walks through. I’m not responsible for his happiness either and if he chooses complacency instead of opportunity and learning… well… that’s just his path and I will love him no less.

Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it all happen.

I think about that all the time… I live it ALL the time.

So I made the decision not to be fearful, to be happy, and to follow my bliss. I decided to finally listen to my guides and wonderful friends who saw things much clearer before I ever did. It was a conspiracy alright… a really, really good one. Thank you… to all of you here, up there, anywhere.

Wholehearted warm wishes in this new year. May the universe conspire in your favor and may the search for truth and happiness be the guiding light in your life.

Your dreams await, you know…

Where are you flying to?

…cause I’m a gypsy
Are you coming with me?
I might steal your clothes and wear them if they fit me…

(pics via weheartit.com)

A Story About Chance and Opportunity

Sometime earlier this year I answered an ad online looking for brand ambassadors with college degrees who were familiar with whisky and were interested in working local events.

Fast forward a month or so to when I found out they liked my work so much that I was asked to travel the country with them to help sell in the program. Boston, Dallas, Los Angeles, Chicago, New York, Harford, Denver, Phoenix and the list goes on… I got paid a ridiculously great amount of money to fly all out, speak for 20 minutes, and spend the night discovering a new city with that wonderful feeling of anonymity strange streets inevitable give you…

Then came the completely unexpected opportunity to conduct national portfolio tastings. I flew to Denver for the first presentation and I swear I thought my heart would thump right out of my chest when people in suits began trickling in. I skipped an entire section of the script, I got my facts crossed here and there and at some point I picked up a 12-year old bottle while candidly speaking of an 18. Next time, I only forgot one or two things, and after that it was just me having a good time, joking around, and wondering if I needed to reapply my lip gloss.

I had no idea you could have that much fun working! Was I really getting paid for this? I decided that everyone should feel that way and that there’s absolutely no reason why you shouldn’t pursue it… or at least TRY. One day walking around Lost Angeles I strolled right on to the UCLA campus where I sat on the grass facing the library and thinking it was about damn time I put on my now-famous big girl panties and do something aaaawwwwwmazing.

The rest you know… school, love, life, bliss, carpe diem! and the eternal pursuit of all things anti-vanilla…!

The opening of a permanent national brand ambassador job was there with the company and I gracefully bowed out without a doubt in my heart. It’s a glamorous life – I can personally attest to it, but I knew I had other things to do (they really wanted red-headed Scotsmen in kilts by the way… I definitely can’t compete with that kind of authenticity!)

[Original pilot team - yours truly, sweet Carlos, and gorgeous Serena]

[First local event in Miami, FL]

[Portfolio tasting in Phoenix, AZ]

[Hotel in Phoenix... wishing I wasn't working!]

[15 minutes of fame when I found out my picture was plastered all over the venue in Springfield, MO]

[Aimless wondering in Boston]

[Rockies vs. Marlins in Denver, CO]

Lessons Learned:

• Never, ever, EVER under any circumstance pass up an opportunity to do your best. There is NO WAY to know where something may lead and what you might discover in the process.
• Never, ever, EVER underestimate the power of “thank you” and “good job” – it can make all the difference in the world. I never pass up the chance to thank them for the opportunity to learn and discover a side of me I never knew existed.
  
• Take chances and be fully uncomfortable and nervous as much as humanly possible – this is how you know you’re learning! What’s the worst that could happen? You’re terrible and now you know what NOT to do.
  
• Travel – make it a priority and just do it. Save up all year if you have to and take that trip to a strange city. It’s exhilarating!

I found out not too long ago that they initially interviewed over 100 candidates for the local gig…

…talk about meant to be, huh?

Back To Normal!

I’ve been so removed from writing and reading and doing anything artistic lately that I’m aching for a little sparkle. I have serious classroom withdrawal pains and I absolutely cannot wait to get back to school where imaginations are challenged and Professor Marcus gets to make his Daddy-said-go-to-rehab-and-I-said-no-no-no joke. It’s funny! (But I’m working on getting him new material… it’s time.)

In case you are wondering, all of my 27 graduate school applications are done and are on the way. Some needed to me mailed, some needed to be uploaded online, some needed to be uploaded AND mailed; all of them needed a writing sample and a personal statement while others wanted a writing sample and a statement of purpose with nothing personal on it. Some recommenders mailed in letters while others schools only accepted online recommendations. A few schools had cover pages to be signed while others wanted nothing to do with paper and email was king!

The GRE folks preeeeeeeeeeetty much screwed up on absolutely everything I asked them to do and mailed my scores to the wrong schools, failed to mail them to the right ones, decided that to change my date of birth on file and of course charged me over $500 which is a clear sign the world is indeed coming to an end. They wanted a faxed letter for everything because they don’t work online and if you needed yours scores sent to a different school, please fax in a signed letter. Toward the end of my frustration I actually said, “Do you OWN the GRE business?!?!?!? Get me someone who speaks human on the phone, please.” At least I said please, which was definitely NOT what almost slipped out.

Decisions will start trickling in late February through late April. I’m looking for five years of fully paid tuition plus a nice chuck of Benjamins for living expenses including but not limited to: eating, sleeping, studying and doing it all over again the next day… Yeah… *Fingers Crossed*

And so after all of this nerdy academic commotion plus the stress of a much needed full-time job… well… I’m craving a sweet story or a beautiful painting or a line or two of ANYTHING that makes my heart skip a beat. I cannot WAIT to read The Rainbow by D.H. Lawrence and maybe… just maybe get up in front of a classroom and teach one of his short stories. I have the opportunity and I guess I’d be silly to pass it up. Might as well follow my own advice and sport my not-so-sexy-but-ever-so-useful Big Girl Panties.

Here’s a gorgeous piece by my friend Barry at Life in Quotations… it really touched me and I wanted to share it. If you love it just as much, stop by his page and let him know!

Released

What goes on in your good-girl mind
Hushed from temptuous thought and deed,
As if being done a favour.
“Please do tell me how to act," they think to hear,
"For I know not what I want.”
Oh, if they only knew of the strength of your desire
To unfurl your wings in their midst
And fly untethered.

But when night visits and your thoughts play alone
And you drift, freeing your will from another’s grasp
What do you dream as your eyes weigh heavy?
While The One beside you sleeps.
Do you welcome another to your door ,
To your bed?
Do you breathe his breath as your own,
Heart against heart
Feeling his life inside you.
Writhing beneath the weight of his mass,
Giving in to that beautiful release.
Breathless body strewn across crumpled sheets,
Spent, used,
But blissfully fulfilled.
And again.

And the hours pass unnoticed,
Their birth and decay measured only
In reckless heartbeats
Teeth-torn wrappers scattered around you.
Fading droplets in your glass.
This moment a lifetime.

All too soon the sun greets your window
And The One stirs,
Signalling a return to your world.
Accompanied, yet alone.

What goes on in your good-girl mind
What shadows lurk, what secrets to find?
Would you surrender yourself
For one night of sin
When the wind blows through your door
And the wolf creeps in?

(pictures via vi.sualize)

On a MUCH Lighter Note...

Ladies and Germs... Flight of The Conchords... H.I.L.A.R.I.O.U.S. ;)

A Vanilla Holiday

Holiday spirit didn’t necessarily abound in me this year. My Christmas tree was half put together, I wrote one card for grandma and I can count the presents I bought in one hand. I’m not exactly sure why it’s been this way for the past couple of years. Somehow the holidays lost their spark and even though I still believe in magic… Santa fell out of that equation.

But the family get together still carried on albeit not without stress. Something was in the air when I showed up and my family was upset about something or other. It’s a whole lot of work to host dinner for at least 20 hungry tummies so I’m not one to throw stones. It just wasn’t really a warm a fuzzy welcome if you know what I mean. But eventually it all went well and way too many presents were opened, make-believe Santa stopped by to greet the children, and all the pastries and wine were consumed.

The best part was that at the end of the night everyone was upset again because one bunch of folks decided to pack up 90% of the left over food for themselves without any regard for anyone else. Here’s the kicker… as long as I’ve been part of this family, they have ALWAYS done it and the rest of my family has ALWAYS complained about and mostly just laughed and dismissed it as “that’s just they way some people are.” I guess this year they went a bit overboard and it was no longer funny or amusing. It was rather sad and desperate looking to be honest. My cousin’s wife attempted to slip out unnoticed with a giant tray full of goodies and shrugged in surprise when she saw me watching her in complete awe. I thought it was rather hilarious, but that’s just me because I didn’t spend all day cooking and decorating. But again, if it upsets you… tell them! Tell them that closing your eyes and soulfully praying before meals doesn’t absolve you from common courtesy. Tell them that the hosting party has approximately 10 nephews and nieces who are probably coming over the next day and wouldn’t it be nice to have food on the table… being that they hosted Christmas and all…?

But no… let’s all keep it under wraps in order to avoid trouble and keep up appearances. So then live with it and stop complaining.

I watched the kids open around ten presents each only to whine and complain after that it wasn’t enough or that they didn’t get exactly what they wanted. I know we want to give our children the best we possibly can, but is this good for them? They’re good kids too…actually, very good kids that I absolutely adore. But I saw first hand how greed and materialism turns even the most wonderful child into a concentrated mini-body of jealousy and gluttony. Wouldn’t it be great to teach our children to just be less human… hhhmmm…

I had a girlfriend once who used to make her kids pick one present of the bundle they received, re-wrap it, and go to the local shelter and give it away to a less fortunate family. It wasn’t an easy task, but it certainly inculcated some great values. I’m pretty sure if I ever have children I will do the same.

And now it’s time for New Years! I have absolutely no idea what I’m going to do which means I’ll probably spend it sitting on a couch watching a giant ball drop on television. I wish they understood how much fun life really is and that you don’t need a giant buffet of gourmet food to have a wonderful time. Memo to my family: I propose that one year we give up buying Christmas presents and fancy meals, and use that money to spend NYE on a cruise in the middle of nowhere drinking cheap champagne and dancing the night away.

That’ll be the day…

... but that's my plan from now on. If my family wants to join me... great! If not... great! The only way to prevent vanilla holidays is to bring a little Cindy-sparkle into the mix and that usually means doing the complete opposite of what everyone thinks I should do. I've managed to do so in every other aspect, but somehow for the holidays I get suckered into that superficial complacency that's slightly depressing and ever so booooooooring.

So I guess the holidays have become monotonous and rather stale. Love, peace, and harmony don’t quite abound and the Utopian gathering I picture always falls short… barely makes it really (it feels fake and forced... does that make sense?) Yet I’m thankful for the amazing meal and time we shared together. I’m thankful for having a great, big family here and back in Chile. I’m thankful for our health, our successes, and well-deserved failures. And Maybe I’m just expecting too much or maybe I expect much less. Either way, I’m hoping to recapture the goodness of the season somehow… I’m hoping to bake cookies again and wrap them in pretty packages and great big bows for people just because. I’m hoping to send everyone personalized holiday music CDs with glittery holiday greetings, and maybe just maybe one day I’m hoping to sit back, look around, and truly feel the season’s blessings in my heart.

Happy Holidays!
I mean it! :)

(pics via weheartit)