A few years ago I met Lucy. Her make-up was flawless, her hair was unbelievably shiny, and her flowery dresses were charming. Her family was lovely and she drove a nifty, new SUV that always smelled like vanilla. She was always happy and always cheerful and always smiling no matter the situation. I used to fantasize about her walking towards me, rapidly waving hello as if trying to shake her own hand off her wrist, and in slow motion tripping on her perfect shoe-laces, falling on her perfect face (or butt - which ever would’ve been satisfactory) and wiping that bliss off her face. Who did she think she was anyway?
Lucy, to put it nicely, annoyed the living lights out of me. And by light I mean crrrrrrrap.
I thought of her because a few of you have asked me how I stay so positive, and thoughts of Lucy and her tilt-headed “oh hunnies” came chillingly up my spine. Bbbbbbrrrrrrr.
The past five years have been incredibly trying years. From falling in and out of love, to falling in and out jobs; to figuring out I wasn’t so put together as my Daddy always thought, to starting my own business; to forgetting my friends and asking for their forgiveness, to accepting my own neediness and seeing my flaws reflected in others; to surrendering my pride and just listening and learning that life is a project, and I have to work at it.
Ever since I discovered that my job as a writer and editor for a huge 
corporation meant nothing, and that in the big scope of things at the end of the day I did nothing good for anyone… I was a little depressed. Actually, I was a lot depressed. I felt kind of useless and wondered if everything I had done was just wrong?! (Ever read Tolstoy’s “The Death of Ivan Iliych”? That story got to my core!)
My blogging friend, Barry, pointed out a couple of old entries that really captured how I felt back then: Blast From The Past and A Little Bit of Nothing. The first turns my stomach a bit now because I can’t even relate to the feeling and hope to never again do, and the second is funny with underlying tones of much loneliness and another word I hate: aimlessness. FLAKY would be the modern term for you kids out there.
I’ve learned to learn from my experiences. I’ve learned that nothing happens in vain and that we should always look for the lesson and see the greater purpose.
Example: I left an easy and cushy gig a few years ago and accepted a radically different position in another company because I thought it had more opportunities. I was laid off a year later.
- Destructive Cindy: I’m an idiot. What was I thinking? No one is going to hire me now. I should do the world a favor and put my upper lip over my head and swallow.
- Today's Cindy: I’ve been in the corporate world for ten years and I’ve NEVER, EVER, EVER been happy (EVER!). Maybe it’s time to take a leap of faith and start my own business. I can work events and promotions on the side till I get going because I already have those connections. Nothing is a coincidence. I just needed a good push.
When I look back at all the things that worry me now, I can see a good to it all. If there’s no good, then there’s a good reason or a good lesson, and that needs to be acknowledge whether we like it or not. I think and write the way I do because I’ve found my purpose in life, and that’s unfortunately more than most people can say. EVERYTHING is different because of it. EVERYTHING I do EVERY single day is to accomplish this. I can't stress enough the importance of this. I won’t settle for average and I won’t settle for what’s just expected.
A wise woman once said that well-behaved women seldom [made] history, and I agree. I think you should question rules and question beliefs. I think you should sing to the tune of your dreams and never, ever, ever die with your music still in you. I think you should know that you’re perfect and whole just the way you are, and that the universe will shamelessly conspire to reach your purpose – should you want to, of course (there’s always conscious choice).
And then there was Lucy. The truth is that if I saw her again, I may hug her. She had it right all along and I was too caught up being Crabby McCrabbierson to realize that. Although I still think I could only take her in spurts (her voice was like nails down a chalk board), she was a good girl with an honest good outlook in life.
So there... guess I’ve just put on my big girl panties...
... and dealt with it:) I hope that answers your question.
"I hate happy people", used to be my mantra. Up until about 99 days ago when my wife told me that my attitude towards life was infectious and was destroying her life. I have really gotten more out of your reasoning and testimony than I have several therapy sessions (marriage and personal). It is easy to sit in an arm chair and make commentary but to actually walk the talk there in lies the inspiration. I can't began to tell you how massive my debt of gratitude is to you. My only regret is not finding your blog earlier. If I had been able to feed from your wisdom and bask in your happiness then maybe I could have saved myself from myself thus saving my marriage from ruin. You are truly, truly an inspiration.Thanks for a little light in the darkness. :)
Aaaww Shane... thank YOU for the sweetness. It means the world to me:)))))
The truth is that before you wouldn't have been interested in my blog. So no need regretting anything because it all happened the way it was supposed to. Like I said, whether we like it or not. Believe me, I wish I would've been half as put together as I am now five years ago and maybe just MAYBE... bah... it's no use. It is what it is and all we can is look forward.
You're amazing. Thanks again for the good vibes. I look forward to seeing you come full circle soon!
We can look back at the mistakes we made, the people we hurt along the way. We can bathe in regret over what could have been, what we should have done instead of making those mistakes. We all do it at some point in our lives. ALL of us.
But were they mistakes or part of our growth? I love the line in Desiderata,
"And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should."
This is nothing new to you Cindy, but this is how I see it. Our past experiences can make us stronger if we choose. I also really do believe we are the sum of those we meet.
If it's true that everything happens for a reason then perhaps we should look back on these events with wonder rather than regret, in hopes that one day we'll somehow figure it all out.
While it does get to me when I read some of your less-than-favourable experiences, I'm also greatly encouraged. Because you wouldn't be the fighter you are today if you hadn't gone through them, or as compassionate towards those who are going through similar struggles.
I wonder if you realize how much of a light you are to others.
Barry
That was very inspirational. Thank you.
Barry:) thanks for the thoughts. No bathing in regret... I struggle with that sometimes. Tell me about being a sum of who we meet. I've never thought if that.
The one thing I've come to realize is that going through low periods doesn't guarantee growth... And that took a while to sink in.
Court, thanks for the kudos:)))))! Glad you likey.
Low periods don't guarantee growth as an absolute, and any positive effect they may have on us rarely manifests itself at the time. But I believe that at some point in our life they almost always promote growth within, because it's through these circumstances that we gain experience and wisdom, which allows us to make wiser choices next time around.
You asked about being the sum of who we meet. Here's my explanation.
In the field of Forensics there's
a law of transfer, which states that a crime cannot be perpetrated without an exchange occurring between those involved. Each takes and leaves something behind.
It's the same with relationships; we meet thousands of people in our lives, each having a varying degree of influence on us. Some appear for fleeting moments, those rare few can reach deep into our core and make us question everything we thought we knew.
Whether minor or significant, most people we meet will have an influence on us, and we in turn on them.
Think of who you were before Brian came along. If you both were to part ways tomorrow you'd forever carry part of him with you, reflected in who you are now. And he with you.
In the same way we can't unring a bell, we can't easily dis-
accociate ourselves from the influence of those we meet, because we'll always carry what we've gained from them with us.
Not to say that who we are and who we become is destined to be at the whim of others. We make conscious choices to change for better or worse and are, (if you don't rely on fate as your guide), very much the instrument of our own constitution. We ultimately choose who we let in.
Okay, totally different topic. As you know I've been reading through your blog to understand you better (although I think I'm starting to).
I just read 'Fantasies, et al'. OMG are you kidding me? I loved it! That post had all the charm of Serendipity (one of the best movies I'd never admit to my guy friends that I like). Your dialogue read so much like an exchange between Cusack and Beckinsale that the influence is undeniable.
Y'know, for someone who's not much into this dating thing you seem to have given it more than a little thought. I'd love to read a post someday (because of course there's no rush) about a situation such as this unfolding for you.
This was such a great way to end my workday. Not that I'm slacking. Late break, yeah that's it. F'real.
Great post, Cindy. I truely believe that what I give to the universe is what I get back from the universe.
Hi Barry! Interesting theory! I need to think about it more... I think I agree, but I'm going to sit on that for a while and see where it leads. It does make sense, though!
And stop walking around my head. Serendipity is one of my very, all-time fave romantic comedies! I've been wanting to tell you this all day and I've been so busy studying that I didn't get around to it. And you're right, I was thinking of those two characters and I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE YOU PICKED THAT UP. That's insane! LOLOLOL ;-p~~~~~ It's one of my favorite posts, by the way, because I really think it's funny! Now you know how I would flirt with Mr. Wonderful HEHEHEH. Pretty good fantasy, eh? (Hendric is a long-time super hardcore crush who happens to live on the other side of the world... *sigh* Such is life!)
If anyone cares to read my flirting fantasy and amuse yourself with my nonsense, by all means go here: http://www.wineonlips.com/2009/06/fantasies-et-al or find it in the June 09 list.
And Barry, you may now find your way out of my head. Thanks.
:)
And Ebony! I forgot to say hi in the previous comment:) I agree, of course. You always reap what you sow... !
Hey Cindy,
What if I told you I somehow knew that? Can't explain it. Every once in a while I just feel a connection to someone and pick up certain things from them.
I think I may know more about you than I'll ever let on; I've found it makes some people too uncomfortable when I tell them about themselves from what little they've told me.
I'll try to stay out of your head, but it's not easy when the door is so open. :)
Hmm, I just re-read what I wrote. Hope it didn't sound too weird. :)
No way, why? It's totally possible:) It was funny!
Phew. Just had some bad experiences, that's all.
nice ending, loved it.... and its our outlook dear, perception!!! How we look at things, magic of thinking positive!! will read more later....n now will b update with ur blog, loved da way u write ;)
Sonali! Thanks again for the kudos:)