Remember my post about Being Less Human? About thinking from a higher place when walking the walk? While writing it at the airport, I had a bad argument with my BFF Brian. He, of course, is not only a wonderful friend but also a true guide and teacher.
Oy.
I said things I shouldn't have, thought worst things than I said, and ended up hanging up with a sick feeling in my stomach. The plane then took off. I had this in my inbox when I arrived:
Cindy…..This was a sore subject for me because I'm constantly being attacked and have to constantly think higher and deflect it all with the true understanding that the problem does not lie with me, and I'm just an outlet for this woman carrying waaaay too many issues to describe at the moment. So I took it rather personally and it just pissed me off - for lack of a more suitable expression.
I’m writing you because at this moment, I cannot talk to you… or anyone else for that matter. But, I hope that you will take what I am about to write you with an open mind….
You’ve come a long way down your spiritual path from when I first met you. You’ve learned a lot of lessons, still have lessons to learn, as do we all. Some of those lessons took you YEARS to get past…. In fact, there were a couple of issues that kept coming up for a period of about three years, over, and over again. How quickly you have forgotten how difficult it was to overcome those issues. Part of the growth development is to never forget where you came from, and what your life was like before you learned your lessons. As you kept missing the message, the consequences of your actions got worse and worse, if you recall.
The reason that I am saying this is that my girlfriend has a problem. You know that, she knows that, and I know that. It will not get solved overnight, let alone in six months. Some progress is gained, and some is lost, but every episode shows where she has come from, and where she has to go. This issue is not with you, but with herself, basically from the time she was a little girl, and only in the past 6 months has she been exposed for this issue. In other words, for the 36 previous years, she was unaware of just where this issue sat. It is a difficult problem for me, because it does affect me, and my friendship with you. But as I did not turn my back on you, I don’t feel it is time for me to turn my back on her. How would you feel if I told you “I wish you would just disappear”, when you were going through your problems? That is what you said to me today about her.
Exactly who are you to judge her? In all my time with you as my friend, and all the aggravation that I went through with you, I NEVER judged you… if I did, we wouldn’t be friends today, because I would have left you with that insanity to figure it out by yourself. And who knows when, or even if, you would have figured it out without constantly being reminded of the lessons by me….. repeatedly… over and over.
But the issue is now, not only are you judging her, but you are judging me as well. I don’t need to be judged, I need my friend. My friend that will be there for me through everything, as I was there through everything with her. I am not one to turn my back on the people that need me… sometimes, even though it is against my best interest, I continue to help them from love, and the fact that it is my job on this earth to help others.
I did that with you. Something that I think you really need to be reminded of right now… of that place you were in… because it is so easy for you now to just expect others to be able to do something you were not able to do yourself for so long. Compassion, not hatred, Cindy. When you come from a position of hate and anger, you add to the problem, not help it. Whether anything works out or not, as long as you come from your highest self, from love, you will be ok….
I need my friend. I don’t need someone to tell me that she wishes the person that I love will disappear.
Watch your thoughts, for they become your words, watch your words, for they become your actions, watch your actions, as they become your character, watch your character, for it becomes your destiny. With that in mind, who do you want to be?
Think about it and get back to me when you’re ready……. You won’t hear from me until then.
Brian was right and I was wrong, so we talked and talked and talked about it some more. He understands my frustration and I most definitely don't want to add to the problem. Again, *BE* the peace and *BE* the change, right?
And that was that. I thought you'd like to know how I learn my lessons.
{pictures via weheartit}
It sucks when your friends are right. I mean you don't want to admit it and you get a case of the but this, but this, but this, and it doesn't do any good you know they are right. Just like my new situation with my wife. I said something to her yesterday that was real hurtful and all she really needs is a friend. I don't know if I can be that friend but at least I don't want to add to it. I have to be the bigger person. Sometimes it is easier to take the low road because it has been cleared by past transgressions. The high road although less traveled is the more rewarded path. Thanks for sharing your BFF's insight.
Okay, well this explains a few things because I felt you were being WAAAY to hard on yourself earlier over something relatively minor. But obviously there was something much stronger at work here that was brewing within you, to carry those feelings around.
First of all Cindy thank you for posting something so deeply personal. Wow.
It's been my experince that friendships between men and women are always very complex, and no matter how much everyone seems 'okay' with the arrangement it can be strained at times. Not sure how much this factors in here.
Brian seems to know you VERY well, strikes me as someone who can keep things real.
Not sure how much time I'll have today but I wanted to get that in, I'll try to finish later.
How are you feeling now?
I'll tag onto what I started saying earlier, these are more observations than anything I think you'd answer.
You said you're constantly being attacked. From what I gather she has a lot of insecurity and has had for many years. Since it stems from when she was very young I really hope she didn't suffer abuse as a young girl. I know far too many women who have and it's heartbreaking because it's something you carry with you for life. It can take years to manifest.
I wonder if she feels threatened by your friendship with Brian. Again, friendships between men and women can be fragile because often jealousy will manifest itself in partners. Whether there was ever anything romantic between you and him it may be on her mind.
I'm not saying your reaction was right. As much as I love what you bring to our days you're still fallible. I think some of the lessons in life we need to learn most are the hardest and messiest, if for no other reason than we'll remember how hard those times were.
Sometimes we need to repeat the same mistakes over and over before the lesson sinks in. Ask me how I know. Really.
I'm sure that regardless of what Brian's girlfriend has unleashed on you, even though it may not be personal, you're probably beating yourself up over this. I would be too.
I know there's nothing I can say that will make much difference. But as long as you take something from it (ie as a lesson learned), it won't be in vain.
You may remember commenting on a post I wrote in my blog a while ago in which I said that the most traumatic experiences are the ones we seem to learn from the most. If you truly believe there's a reason for everything, then even though it sucks you have to know there's a reason this was meant to happen, right?
Admitting when we're wrong is the BEST way to fix a mistake. xoxo
I know Shane... and God knows I like being right! There's less traffic in the road less traveled, right? ;-)
Yeah Barry, I thought this was rather personal but what's the point of having a blog if I'm not going to share my life - good and bad - with my BBs. Brian and I know each other like the palm of our hand. We do a pretty good job at keeping each other checked and in tune. His girlfriend is a lot like I was a few years ago: insecure, short-sighted, and stubborn as a mule. She has a man that has declared his love for her in EVERY way possible - words but mostly actions. Unfortunately, my friendship with him does bother her mostly because Brian and I used to date (and I mean like FIVE years go). Even though I introduced him to her, she struggles with it and it does affect our friendship once in a while although Brian does a pretty good job at helping her figure things out. And although I know she just needs to work on things, once in a while I let her stupidity get to me because IT'S JUST SOOOOO STUPID. But, it's not my battle and I need to kill her with kindness... that's my plan and I'm sticking to it. And yes, there was a reason for all of this: REMEMBER TO HAVE PATIENCE.
Thanks LiLu darling... it's not always easy but you gotta do whatcha gotta do.
“If someone prays for patience, do you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If they pray for courage, does God give them courage, or does he give them opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for their family to be closer, you think God zaps them with warm, fuzzy feelings? Or does he give them opportunities to love each other?” "GOD" in Evan Almighty
Keep asking for patience and you'll continue receiving new opportunities to practice. I receive multiple opportunities every day. lol
Brian's email was, well, wow. It even shut me up and I didn't even do it. OK fine, I did do "it", just not to him... geez, I can't believe that I deserved that email every bit as much as you did! LOL
You're lucky to have a friend like Brian, and he's fortunate to have one like you. :)
I totally hadn't realized you left this comment Karina. And I'm tell ya... Brian is amazing but it's tough love all the way. He has his won page now if you ever care to stop by. I have a link to The Garden at the top of my page. I ask for patience all the time but I think my messages get lost in the mail. I'm learning... what can I say... I'm a work in progress!!!