I had a quick talk today with a friend about relationships and it’s been in my head all day. Is it possible… is it feasible… is it even remotely likely that we’ll find the one, the love of our lives, Mr./Mrs. Right? Is the notion of happily ever after just that… a notion? And for those of you who are coupled, do you believe they are the only one for you? Or is it possible (without discrediting your relationship at all) that there are many we could be blissfully happy with?
In Cindiland, that is my world, happy couples do not abound. My grandparents were married for over fifty years, but I know grandma had the patience of a saint, which I may or may not have inherited. I’m leaning towaaaaard… not so much, but I digress. My parents are divorced and we all agreed that was a wonderful thing to do. My father has ten siblings and of the entire giant gypsy clan that I call my family, only ONE uncle and aunt are truly happy. I mean they love each other more than a fat kid loves cake and my cousins are so incredibly wonderful that I’d be pressed to EVER find a better happiness model. And I don’t even mean superficial stuff… I mean going to bed, turning off the lights, and smiling as you sleep because you know life is g-o-o-d.
So I have trouble believing in romance. I want to so much and the last thing I’d like to do is put that negativity out there. My BFF Brian practically drilled the following into my head:
Your thoughts become your words, your words become your actions, and your actions become your character.(memorize that, by the way, it comes in handy). It’s very simple, the universe just goes “your wish is my command” and poof! There you are all Bitter Betty on match.com hoping this time it’ll be different.
I don’t want to be the love Grinch. But I don’t want to live in my little Pisces fantasy land where falling in love = happy. I want to just be happy no matter what and no matter whom. And I think I’ve done a pretty good job putting that into honest practice. Not just saying it and writing about it, but honestly finding my goals and my passion and being incredibly satisfied in life.I wonder sometimes if that’s possible to do if you’re attached. I’ve said it before, they don’t call it falling in love for nothing. I really think you loose your head there for a while and nothing makes much sense. You have to consider the other person when making every decision and you would rather spend ten minutes with them than a few hours studying. For instance, I wouldn’t be applying to schools out of town if I was settled here with someone… life would be just different. So the question is, would I be as driven as I am today if I was attached to a better (tall, dark, and handsome) half?
One thing I’ve learned writing my research paper is that I don’t have to have all the answers, but I can sure probe your brain and pose some questions….
I can’t remember how stressing over someone feels like either. I live SUCH a peaceful life. Well, we know I’m stressing because of grad school, but I will take this anxiety ANY DAY over a broken, sad, or angry heart. Or a combo of all three. I had a girlfriend once tell me she would rather have another c-section than live through a sad break-up or divorce. Jeeeeeezzz… talk about painting a vivid picture there. She’s doing alright so I’m not too concerned.
Which leads us, of course, to the obvious paradox of not opening up to anyone in order to preserve that peace - a conundrum indeed.
I haven’t quite made up my mind about happily ever after. Since I’m officially a citizen of Nerdidom lately, here’s a quote from the introduction to my copy of Lawrence’s Women in Love:Danish theologian Søren Kierkegaard, in his existentialist masterwork Either/Or, begins to question the sincerity of an eternal love. May it not, Kierkegaard enquired, be more sincere, instead of pledging to love your beloved forever and forever and forever, to vow to love her until Easter or May Day, and if that works out, to renew the vow until Christmas?But that’s not acceptable, now is it? We just don’t do that because it wouldn’t be “nice.” I really think I should have a separate bedroom in my house so I can sleep by myself when I’m feeling like… well… sleeping by myself. I think my beau should enjoy plenty of Cindy-free time following his dreams and passions way apart from the family unit. I also believe we have a strong karmic contract with a few people to be romantically involved with in this lifetime. I know the people in my life that I’ve had that attraction to. It’s not too many and I can easily count them in one hand. I haven’t seriously dated any of them by the way… they’ve just been fleeting moments or casual co-workers or wonderful men that live far, far away. The problem is that once I feel that connection and that certainty that somehow I know you more than I should know you, nothing else comes close and everyone else I meet falls short (no pun intended… I’m six feet tall).
And so here I am writing this entry in record time. I guess when you have a lot in your mind it just pours right out. I’m just present and live in the moment. All I can be is thankful for the amazing life I lead and for this unbelievable opportunity to basically start all over and follow my bliss! Stress or no stress… I’m sitting on my couch writing this with a giant smile (and a slight chuckle) because when I turn off my lights tonight oh you better believe it… I’ll be thinking life is g-o-o-d.... I'll do my best to never close my heart up to good things. Note to self:
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Photo links:
http://bunnis.deviantart.com/art/Love-is-54671516
http://www.weheartit.com/entry/412694
For some reason the whole time I was rereading this I pictured you doing a Jerry Maguire impression. Sitting there in a cold sweat trying to get the words out before you lost your train of thought. I have the opposite of what you have. There is only two sets of divorce on mom's side and none on my father's side. That is one of the biggest problems I have with my current marital situation. Divorce is new to me. I had told her before we married that I married for life. I have always questioned your cindylogic when it comes to coupling. We all have our own opinions but somewhere someone is missing out. You are such a well rounded person that you would enrich anyone's life. But...you are right you couldn't enjoy your current lifestyle if you were coupled. With all that is going on with me I have to say I do enjoy the freedom even if I begrudge it. I don't think Mr. Destiny would limit your destiny but encourage it and inspire you to be all you can be. You won't always be closed to loving someone. One day someone will break that barrier and you will join them in their exploration of true love and happily ever after.
i am smiling just the way you said you were, i adore your view on life. it is refreshing and honest and always wrapped in humour.
lets face it, we have to laugh at ourselves we are funny when we take ourselves too seriously!!
smiling as always
xxsm
p.s i believe in many soulmates even the ones that break your heart, actually especially the ones that break your heart, they break you down so that you can build yourself back up into an even bigger and better version of you!
Even at times where I've tried really hard not to, I can't help believing in happily ever after.
Life without hope? No thanks - I'll pass on that one. :)
Cindy, your height is surpassed only by your depth.
I was hoping you'd write a post like this. I'll comment later tonight (no time right now), but just want to say I loved this!
B
Shaney McShanierson:) You got first comment privileges again! You know you have to write when you're walking around on 3 hours of sleep and it's past 3 AM and you still can't shut your eyes. Good heavens. And you know, I think your situation plus some of friend's and a few other blogs I've read really got me thinking of the subject. I realize now that I came off a bit grouchy, but I wasn't feeling that way. I want to meet Mr. Right... but like I said... I have trouble believing in romance. I'm working on it:)
Matthew! I would love to share your point of view, and honestly, I'm not sure I don't. I'm just suspicious, that's all:) You're right, life without would be no fun!
Sweetmango it's probably your fault most of all that I'm writing this. I LOVE YOUR POETRY to Stellan and I hope one day I have words like that just pour out at 3 AM.
Barry... how dare you pick work over my blog? LUDICROUS!
It has been put in my head so many times...
Don't ever look for love because you will never find it. Let it find you.
For so many years I thought that something was wrong with me. Whether it was physically, emotionally or mentally. Whether or not I had enough money or if my clothes were the problem. I put so much time into creating my own adversity I actually believed that I was not worthy of having a significant other.
One day I decided to not look for it anymore. The way you express yourself is all that you need. I learned that all I had to do was just to be ME; to be comfortable in your own skin; THAT's attraction. Rest assured that person - whether it's called a soul mate, life partner - will come. That person will be attracted to who you are. And you'll know it right away because it just feels right.
I believe in soul mates. That one person that you are meant to be with. Not that you couldn't EVER be with anyone else. You could, but it wouldn't be the same as if you were with your soul mate and I think you can tell the difference.
Lion:) I agree with everything you say. I don't think anyone should EVER walk around looking for these things... That's how life passes you by and next thing you know you've done nothing because of that attachment to "I want." I'm not too concerned whether I'll meet someone or not... it's all written and it shall be as it shall be. Sometimes I muse on the subject because these things are so intrinsic in us that I'm not sure we can help thinking about it. Anyhoozens, thanks again for stopping by!!
Hi CeCe! I believe in soulmates as well:) I just believe we have a few...
Oh my dear Cindy, you DO get one thinking. :)
My thoughts on love are mixed. I am very much a romantic, both as I see love and life in general. But I also view love through the eyes of a realist.
I believe in romance. Always did, always will. It’s as important to a relationship as breathing and much more exhilarating. I don’t for one minute doubt that you’ll find it Cindy, I think it may seem elusive to you right now because most of your focus is elsewhere and you’re not in a relationship where you’re exposed to it. Add to that some less-than-successful relationships around you and, well, perhaps you can see how you feel that way. Watch the right person adorn you with a rose and your thinking will change in a heartbeat. :)
I’m curious, what’s your definition of romance?
I truly believe there’s someone for everybody. However (this is where some disagree), I don’t think there is only ONE person for everyone. I think that no matter how happy you are in a relationship there are other people who can make you just as happy, perhaps more so. Sandy and I have a great relationship, but I’m not naïve enough to believe that I’m the only man in the world who would be good for her.
As much of a romantic as I am I don’t believe in love at first sight, that you can truly fall in love with someone immediately without getting to know them first. I think for the most part the immediate attraction is physical, unless the object of your affection is doing something that triggers an emotional response in you. (For example, if you feel a strong desire to have children and you see a man being kind to a child, it may stir certain sentiments within you).
I never really liked the term 'better half', even when used jokingly. I think a lot of trouble people fall into is wrapping their world around someone, where they feel that person IS their life. Yes a relationship involves compromise, but you also need to allow each other 'me time' if you're to maintain your individuality.
A healthy relationship is a balance of 'us time' and 'alone time'. The trouble begins when the balance tips too far to one side.
Oh, incidentally I've been SURROUNDED by divorce most of my life through family and friends. I still believe as strongly as ever in love and romance. Other people's failings do not have to become your reality.
Barry! Glad your work didn't get in the way of your real job... blogging. My thoughts on love are mixed too - that's a great way of putting it. I think sometimes people are put off by my realism on things, but I am a Pisces and YOU KNOW we live in la-la-land 80% of the time:) I'm not void of hope... I'm just living for today...
You don't like better half? I think it's funny because it's silly. I hope no one still walks around thinking they need someone to complete them (very Jerry Maguire as Shane said earlier). But then again I'm not in love so I can't attest to these feelings.
Definition of romance? Me getting home and finding you vacuuming and cooking wearing nothing but boxer-briefs with a big I LOVE CINDY FOREVER on the back. *sigh*
Fine... romance... possibly the best way to show it is by coming through when the going gets tough. It's easy to be all hearts and smooches on Valentine's Day, but where's the patience and goodness when life throws a curve ball and the you-know-what hits the fan full speed? Unexpected love notes and cute little messages also give me the giggles... :)
"And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times. It's you, it's you. You make me sing. You're every line. You're every word. You're EVERYTHING." Everything by Michael Bubble
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend. Lucky to have been where I have been." - Lucky by Jason Mraz + Colby Calliet.
I could go on and on. How could these passionate songs have been written without experiencing LOVE. I belong to the Matthew school of thought. What else do you have if you don't have hope. I also believe I have been incredibly blessed, lucky, whatever, to have found "the one" at such a young age. It hasn't always been great, but I compare it to a fine wine: it just keeps getting better with age. His love intoxicates me, gives me highs nothing else could (not that I've tried). And in the end, if we became separated for whatever reason, I would still feel like it was better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
Aaawww you gave me teary eyes:) It's true... I need to correct my post: I forgot to add Maria and Willie to the happy couples I know. You've been together for what already, over 15 years? You're my age for freak's sake! That's amazing:))))
You guys are an anomaly and I love that! I belong to the happily ever after crew as well... I'm just not a full-member but more like a volunteer to feeling my way around:) I'd love to jump head-in... I'll let you know when that happens.
Cindy said:
"Definition of romance? Me getting home and finding you vacuuming and cooking wearing nothing but boxer-briefs with a big I LOVE CINDY FOREVER on the back. *sigh*"
Hmm. I could probably accomodate that but I'll need Sandy's permission and a plane ticket.
Oh God, she's SOOO going to kill me if she reads this!! lol
I agree about the unexpected times. We never go out to dinner on Valentine's Day for example. I don't buy her flowers at that time, but choose to do things when they're unexpected. We shouldn't need a calendar to remind us to express love or affection towards those in our lives.
Barry... now you known how to win anyone's heart. I'm telling you, my romance definition is RIGHT on the money.
I think for Valentine's Day you should cook yourselves an awesome meal and kill a bottle of amazing super rare expensive wine:) Now that's what I'm talking 'bout.
Hmm, for something you're not sure you believe in you seem to have an awfully strong sense of what it is.
Just sayin'........
I'd like to get married again, to fall in love, to experience that first kiss- the one that matters....
But I'm equally afraid it's not going to happen.Also I don't even like sharing the remote with my kids not sure how I'd do with another adult.
I guess you just have to decide to do it and it'll come if it;s meant to be.
Great post!
Cindy, I just recently found your blog so I don't know you well. In fact, I don't know you at all. But I sense that you really think things through.
All of the opinions you read are just that. Opinions. Including mine.
When the right person enters your life. You'll know it. And if it's meant to be, you'll be happy with him. And you'll be happy spending time with him. And you'll enjoy romancing him, and look forward to being romanced. Sure, your life and lifestyle will change, but because he's THE ONE, you won't mind the sacrifices that come with it.
But as my blog title says, "hey it's only my opinion".
Barry... I sure do have a sense of it:) I'm just suspicious, that is all.
Zoe you're so funny LOL. I used to fight for the remote with my younger sister when we lived together. So that's my conundrum and I think you understand me. It boils down to I want to I want to I want to and then it terrifies me at the same time.
Matty! You're always welcome to voice your opinions here. Whether you agree with me or not (even more so if you don't!) I'm always interested in what you think. And I agree by the way... I'll know and I'm just waiting for that. No rush.
My wife and I have been together for nearly 19 years and the depths of our love continue to get ever deeper.
But we work at it. The "Happily ever after" idea implies once we have found our true love we don't have to do anything more. But a strong relationship requires constant maintenance and most importantly a shared vision for each other :)
Kim's right, you need to have a shared vision and common interests. For example, Sandy and I have something in common. We both love ME. :)
But seriously, we've been together seventeen years. You don't stay together that long without working at it. I think two of the biggest things are communication and respect for each other's personal space.
Yes there are compromises to be made, but if the love you both share outweighs what you feel you're giving up or putting aside then those compromises seem negligible. There's very little I feel I've sacrificed, in return I have the honour of loving and being loved by one of the most beautiful, selfless hearts I've ever known.
A relationship that will work for you is definitely out there Cindy, it sounds like now just may not be the ideal time for it. You think about it as we all do, perhaps more often than these pages reveal. But your thinking is just where it should be. You seem to strive for the best for yourself; let things unfold as they should and you'll find someone who deserves you. A man who will swim in your soul. A man who will wear dishwashing gloves and boxers with your name on his ass.
And what a lucky, lucky guy he'll be.
B
Wow, what a conversation. As one who has recently separated from her 12-year hubbie, I tend to be a skeptic at this point. I don't think either of us ever believed there was only one person for every person, but we also never believed we'd part ways.
Maybe it's just that at different times in one's life, one will require/want a different type of person. I know when we married, it was at the time "happily ever after." It went on that way for years. But life happened in the meantime, tragedy struck, and we both changed and distanced ourselves. The fact that it was once so close to perfect saddens me even more at this point, but I try to focus on the fact that I'm lucky I had it that way for a while.
And I try to think there's at least one somebody out there for the new me too.
Meo My - Thanks again for your heartfelt contribution:) I absolutely agree with what you say. I do think that at different times in our lives we'll desire different people. I'd like to think we will all find the ultimate love of our lives... it's part of our dream and hope and our happily ever after. And then again I don't know - how could I know? I hope you smooth over your troubles soon... no storm lasts forever.