I had a revelation last night and I think I figured out the reasoning behind my stress. I'm absolutely terrified that I won't get into grad school and I'll disappoint not only myself but everyone who's helped me along the way. And I'm absolutely terrified that I will get into grad school and will then slowly but surely disappoint myself and everyone who's helped along the way.
I'm at odds with my own will! I know. I was confused last night too.
So I had a really good conversation with my higher self and my grandpa who always seems to be around when I need a good heavenly ear, and it turns out that it's all going to be okay. I think the 17th century poet John Donne also strolled in with a very much needed pat in the back because all of a sudden I had the absolute need to read The Canonization: "For God's sake hold your tongue, and let me love... What merchant's ships have my sighs drowned?"
(Picture a crazy lady walking all over the house reading this poem out loud at midnight last night. I put Shakespearean actors to shame... Chilean accent and all.)
And there you go. I can't think of anything more amazing that spending my life in the study of this kind of beauty. I'm pretty darn sure I'm not the only grad school hopeful wondering if they'll be on par with their peers. I don't question the certainty of wanting to do this more than anything in the world, but I have questioned my ability to get through it and I might as well fess up to it.
Huh... go figure. But since I'm not about to be at some subconscious war with myself much longer, I wanted to write about this and let it go.
{photos via weheartit}
Hi, just wanted to leave you a note because I really enjoyed this post, and to say - hello !. You have a great site here - really interesting. Thankyou for sharing it and best wishes... lovely to meet you, as it were....
Hi Elise! Thank you so much for the nice compliments:) Very nice to meet you as well.
Yeaaahhhh! Big girl panties are so hott!
You said it, we all feel that way at times, but the best part of this journey is that you are AWARE!!
As long as you are aware your journey will be just fine, no where near as bumpy as those who travel blindly.
I start studying in 2 weeks also and i have to balance full time study with 3 young children, im scared that i just wont be able to fit it in to my already crazy schedule, but like you i want this so i will make it happen and like you i will do the best i can!
Lets just both do that, what do you think? Lets just do the very best we can :)
xxsm
There was a very memorable scene in CSI (Vegas) a few years ago. Nick was puzzled by some evidence and at a loss to understand the meaning behind it. The conversation was as follows..
Grissom: "You're confused right?"
Nick: "Yes."
Grissom: "That's the best place for a scientist to be."
I view the way you're feeling right now as very similar. The fact that you're questioning your ability to meet this challenge is encouraging to me because I think it'll keep your senses sharp and push you further to excel. Far better this than too much confidence, which can be a dreamkiller and cause us to fall far short of our abilities.
Actually I'm glad you're a bit unsure of yourself; I can say this because in you I see tremendous drive. I think that as an academic and a human being you'll find that drive comes from two places: confidence and self-doubt. It's up to us to choose which will rule.
I can pretty much promise your uncertainty won't end with this post; it'll rear its head from time to time, maybe even continually. But I'm fully confident that you'll overcome whatever may get in your way (including yourself if I may say so) and meet with success. Your history shows that you're tenacious and a fighter.
In my very first comment I wrote after going through your blog, I said that you eat up life. Light the path you're following now with that same fire and not only will you find your bliss, but it'll wrap its arms around you.
If you doubt that, reread your blog, ignore the missteps and count your victories along the way.
They're far from over.
Barry
I agree Court:) BGPs are always in style!
Sweetmango, I totally agree. We're going to rock this new stage in life and we're going to love it! It's such a good example for the kids as well. Much luck!!!
Barry, you always know the right thing to say. Your right... I need to think back and realize I've done harder things. Professor Marcus says he would rather me NOT be too confident as well. I guess the worst thing you could possibly be is too cocky about these things.
And I don't think my uncertainty will end here either, but at least I KNOW why I was so apprehensive. This is a huge undertaking. Just moving away from my family is going to be hard, not to mention the work and the fact I have no idea how to drive on icy roads:) Who cares, I'm just making excuses for my craziness;-p
THANKS EVERYONE FOR LETTING ME VENT. YOU KIDDIES ALWAYS MAKE MY DAY. I FREAKING LOVE YOU!
XOXOXO
We all have our uncertainties. You have to realize that you are armed with a good attitude, soulful foundation, and confidence. Often times you get knocked down but it is our ability to stand up and "knock the dust off" that makes us unique. I am sure that you will do fine and that you are suffering from "open day" jitters in as much as you will be in a new location and out of your comfort zone. I am glad that you have been afforded the opportunity to broaden your horizons and I am sure you will take full advantage of it. :)
:)
You're very fortunate to have someone like Professor Marcus in your life to help keep you on track. He sounds like a great mentor and friend.
With the impending move I foresee some very heartfelt posts in the near future. Hmm.
Wherever you're going, chances are you'll be driving on snow more than ice. Driving on ice isn't much different than on dry roads, except you'll go a HELL of a lot slower and pucker muscles you normally wouldn't. Great workout for the glutes, if ya know what I'm sayin'.
TMI? :)
Aaawww thank you boys:)))))) You sure know how to make me smile.
Shane, listen to you... Your advice is wonderful. I hope with all my heart your own troubles resolve soon.
Barry, Prof. Marcus is amazing. You haven't really explored a book till you discuss it with him. And about a year from now my posts will be very, very interesting. I guess I'll just have to buy a coat and boots, eh? So much for summer all year long *sigh* Life will be so different.... A definite adventure. Stay tuned! :-p
A year from now things might be pretty intense in your life. But just think about the kind of relationship you'll have developed with us by that time.
All these people writing in are amazing in their own way. The opportunity to build a level of comfort and trust is there, if we choose to.
I hope we do, because I feel very much at home here. :)
Very interesting stuff. Nicely written - thanks for sharing.
Good old John Donne huh? I always seem to channel the limerick writers when I'm in need of a pat on the back. Go figure....
Love the photographs! Congrats on finding your big girl panties.
I know exactly how you are feeling. I am going thru the same thing too, in fact just yesterday I was dealing with doubts. Stick with it though. You have obviously found your passion!
I know exactly how you are feeling. I am going thru the same thing too, in fact just yesterday I was dealing with doubts. Stick with it though. You have obviously found your passion!