I took the red pill. But not without a hell of a fight.

If I could infuse the world with just one thing, one feeling, one concept; it would definitely be the ability to BE AWARE. The ability to see past the end of your nose, to live empathetically, to radiate kindness, and most importantly to be aware of our own flaws. It’s okay to be insecure and it’s okay to be jealous. It’s okay to feel odd about your body or to be impatient and say and do things you later regret. It’s okay to lie to your boss and play hooky from work and it’s okay to encourage someone to love you although you know you’ll never love them the same way…

I’m guilty of all and much more. The difference between then and now is awareness and the ability to fix it… instantly… and hopefully while it’s still just a thought. Eventually, it won’t even be a thought or something to fix. It will just be. It's only okay because accepting these flaws and being aware is how we grow.

Remember my feelings about being less human? I still feel that way. I still think we should live from a higher plane without the tediousness of our own earthy mishaps. I aim for that awareness every day and part of that is recognizing my own flaws and how incredibly easy is for us to inadvertently sabotage our lives.

That’s the red pill. That’s the awareness. Take the blue pill and you’ll live - happily so - in the matrix… where you’ll go to work daily, drag yourself back home, make love to your spouse once a week, take your sleepy kids to school, and wonder every night if this is all there is with some kind of intrinsic knowledge that no, it is not.

Here’s a short and colorful list of things I’m not proud, but very guilty of:

• Vanity (who, moi?)
  
• Materialism (I want I want I want bigger faster better)
  
• Insecurity (I can't I don't know how I won't)
  
• Jealousy (I assume I don't ask I hurt)
  
• Selfishness (I take I use I deserve)
  
• Neediness (I need attention I need love I need you)
  
• Aimlessness (I try this and that and maybe that too)
  
• Pride (I am this I am that I will not)
  

And then I met my BFF Brian who decided, at the expense of my feelings and almost our friendship, to point out all of these things (and more) one by one and with very concrete evidence… He was honest, loving, and straight to the point. I cried and I argued and I tried desperately to prove I was a good girl. What I didn’t understand is that indeed I was a good girl. I was just completely unaware of… EVERYTHING.

I was unhappy and didn’t know why. I hated my job and couldn’t figure out why. I wanted to date, date, date just for the sake of dating and hoping desperately to find someone who told me I was pretty and would love me forever. I had a serious case of body dysmorphic disorder where I couldn’t figure out, honestly, how skinny or how heavy or how it was that I was supposed to or wanted to look. I never looked right and I never wanted anyone to see me either. It all came across as awfully vain because pretending I loved myself was the only way I knew how to feel better about it. And my goodness was I needy… you did NOT want to cancel an outing on me and I did not care if you had worked a 24-hour shift non-stop at the fire station prior to that. You were rejecting me and so you hated me.

We call that girl “Crazy Cindy” and Brian likes to bring her up once in a while… mostly for a good laugh! (Dear B, if I haven't thanked you enough for your love and patience please know that I am forever grateful and that I wouldn't be where I am today without your relentless belief in me. I love you dearly, my friend.)

They say that we live and learn… whoever they are. Actually, most of us live and rarely learn a darn thing. We tell ourselves that life is hard and so we live it in a hard way. We tell ourselves we’re just human and so we accept jealousy and insecurities. We have jobs we don’t enjoy because that’s what our parents did and that’s all we know. And we rarely, really take a look at our flaws and figure out a way to fix them because we don’t even know where to start.

But I did and that was the beginning of happiness.

One day I threw my pride out the window and called Brian: “I’m ready to listen.” And I never stopped… I went deep down the rabbit hole into a rather scary, but very real adventure. I decided my flaws were BEAUTIFUL! I decided that sometimes I’m impulsive and say things I regret and I decided that I can certainly be bossy and pushy sometimes although I never mean to be. I decided that my life is exceptional and my purpose is rather daunting, but really exciting! I decided to meditate, to read, to research, and find a solid spiritual growing path that made sense to me… not because my parents say so and not because everyone else believes it, but because I feel it and because I know it.

I choose awareness and I choose kindness. And believe me, it’s not an easy choice to make. Actually, I’m pretty certain it was the hardest, most excruciatingly painful experience I’ve had. But I tell ya, when I say Carpe Diem Babbbbyyyyy!!!!! I mean it because I’ve lived the alternative; and when I say Follow Your Bliss I wish you saw the energy radiating from me because it’s unbelievably honest and strong.

I’ve heard it said that we’re all born geniuses and life has a way to de-geniusize us. The antidote: AWARENESS. LOVE. KINDNESS. COURAGE. PATIENCE. (Don't forget Mother Theresa: Love without getting tired....)

So which pill do you choose?



(pics via weheartit.com)

Awareness: Down The Rabbit Hole We Go!