Remember my post about Being Less Human? About thinking from a higher place when walking the walk? While writing it at the airport, I had a bad argument with my BFF Brian. He, of course, is not only a wonderful friend but also a true guide and teacher.

Oy.

I said things I shouldn't have, thought worst things than I said, and ended up hanging up with a sick feeling in my stomach. The plane then took off. I had this in my inbox when I arrived:

Cindy…..

I’m writing you because at this moment, I cannot talk to you… or anyone else for that matter. But, I hope that you will take what I am about to write you with an open mind….

You’ve come a long way down your spiritual path from when I first met you. You’ve learned a lot of lessons, still have lessons to learn, as do we all. Some of those lessons took you YEARS to get past…. In fact, there were a couple of issues that kept coming up for a period of about three years, over, and over again. How quickly you have forgotten how difficult it was to overcome those issues. Part of the growth development is to never forget where you came from, and what your life was like before you learned your lessons. As you kept missing the message, the consequences of your actions got worse and worse, if you recall.

The reason that I am saying this is that my girlfriend has a problem. You know that, she knows that, and I know that. It will not get solved overnight, let alone in six months. Some progress is gained, and some is lost, but every episode shows where she has come from, and where she has to go. This issue is not with you, but with herself, basically from the time she was a little girl, and only in the past 6 months has she been exposed for this issue. In other words, for the 36 previous years, she was unaware of just where this issue sat. It is a difficult problem for me, because it does affect me, and my friendship with you. But as I did not turn my back on you, I don’t feel it is time for me to turn my back on her. How would you feel if I told you “I wish you would just disappear”, when you were going through your problems? That is what you said to me today about her.

Exactly who are you to judge her? In all my time with you as my friend, and all the aggravation that I went through with you, I NEVER judged you… if I did, we wouldn’t be friends today, because I would have left you with that insanity to figure it out by yourself. And who knows when, or even if, you would have figured it out without constantly being reminded of the lessons by me….. repeatedly… over and over.

But the issue is now, not only are you judging her, but you are judging me as well. I don’t need to be judged, I need my friend. My friend that will be there for me through everything, as I was there through everything with her. I am not one to turn my back on the people that need me… sometimes, even though it is against my best interest, I continue to help them from love, and the fact that it is my job on this earth to help others.

I did that with you. Something that I think you really need to be reminded of right now… of that place you were in… because it is so easy for you now to just expect others to be able to do something you were not able to do yourself for so long. Compassion, not hatred, Cindy. When you come from a position of hate and anger, you add to the problem, not help it. Whether anything works out or not, as long as you come from your highest self, from love, you will be ok….

I need my friend. I don’t need someone to tell me that she wishes the person that I love will disappear.

Watch your thoughts, for they become your words, watch your words, for they become your actions, watch your actions, as they become your character, watch your character, for it becomes your destiny. With that in mind, who do you want to be?

Think about it and get back to me when you’re ready……. You won’t hear from me until then.

This was a sore subject for me because I'm constantly being attacked and have to constantly think higher and deflect it all with the true understanding that the problem does not lie with me, and I'm just an outlet for this woman carrying waaaay too many issues to describe at the moment. So I took it rather personally and it just pissed me off - for lack of a more suitable expression.

Brian was right and I was wrong, so we talked and talked and talked about it some more. He understands my frustration and I most definitely don't want to add to the problem. Again, *BE* the peace and *BE* the change, right?

And that was that. I thought you'd like to know how I learn my lessons.


{pictures via weheartit}

I've Learned So Much From My Mistakes, I'm Thinking of Making a Few More

Here we go... lots of nothing with a little dash of something or other. I'm on overdrive so I can't quite write coherently. I spent about five hours at Barnes & Noble studying vocabulary words today. I started with great alacrity and slowly but surely the soporific words coalesced into a giant, prolific mess. Do I sound affected and bombastic?

*shoot me*

I take the Subject Test in Literature GRE October 10th. That's right --> I'm FREAKING OUT. Although I know this score is not as highly regarded as the general GRE, I'm just hoping for a small miracle where some of passages I've reviewed are actually part of this 239-question nightmare of a useless exam. Sixty percent is identifying passages where they'll ask you something lovely like "the author of this passage also wrote what....?" I'm struggling trying to figure out who wrote the passage in the first place let alone what else this mystery figure may have scribbled somewhere.

*shoot me again (just to make sure)*

I have a love affair with the following foods lately: Special K (with strawberries) and vanilla-flavored almond milk, lentil soup from Whole Foods, artichokes, a couple of chicken dishes from a restaurant close to home, French Tomato vinaigrette, and Doritos with a hint of lime.

IMPORTANT - Here's your mission should you choose to accept it: Go visit Soulful Spring, say howdy and follow his page to support new BBs*. He writes beautiful poetry and has tons of positivity to share!

The Mentalist is a GREAT show, but Supernatural is better. You should watch both.

HOLY FLURKING SCHNITT I almost forgot - there was an another poltergeist incident yesterday!!! AAAHHH! The coffee filter sitting on my kitchen shelf LITERALLY flew across my two sinks to land waaaay too far for it to just have slipped off. It was SOOOO incredibly odd that before total creepiness settled in I just giggled, stood there frowning in complete disbelief and said: "Really? REALLY?" (it was louder the second time). I don't know what the delio... NO ME GUSTA.

(Why can't my haunting be like this?)

On a totally less disturbing note, it was my BFFs Brian's 40th birthday and we partied and drank pomegranate margaritas all night (because they were on special). Here a few decent pictures before everyone got too goofy:

Group shot:)

Who said I was too tall?!

It's his 40th Birthday so naturally he got a walker

The birthday boy and yours truly. Peace.

Good times were had by all!

And just in case you forgot...

Carpe Diem!

*Blogging Buddies - shouldn't you know that by now?!
{Pictures via weheartit}

Stream of Consciousness - Part Deux

Scroll down RIGHT NOW to the DAILY TID BITS section on my page. Check out The Quote of the Day...

HOW AWESOME IS THAT?!?!?!

:)))))

AAAHHHH AWESOME!

I had a great talk with Marty on the way over to Hartford Monday. He's been thinking about blogging for a while and I think I convinced him, but I guess we'll just have to wait. You see, Marty's ex-girlfriend is dying of cancer and he writes painfully and quite beautifully about it. He showed me a lovely poem he had scribbled on a notepad and confessed that was really not one of his best ones. I wanted to just tear it and keep it because I thought it was wonderful. Not only that, but he's lived a pretty darn interesting life and I think it'd be a shame to not share it with us. He promised to email me some poems so I could at least post them on my page.

Eventually we got to talking about life, love, BLISS, and all the things you really never discuss with folks you've just met. I mentioned that human nature is terrible and we should all aspire NOT be part of it. I've never said that before but the more I explored it, the more it made sense. No matter what you believe in - we should think higher than our physical selves. I believe we're spirits having a human experience and I know we have the intrinsic capability to step out of our bodies and the limitations of our little minds and BE better. What would a free-flowing, all-loving spirit/energy do? What kind of life would we lead without that nagging "human nature" in the way blessing us with jealousy and the incomprehensible need to drive a little faster than the car next to us?

I was less than pleasant to a hotel waitress this morning because my order was brought out wrong twice. She had worked the entire night shift and was feeling a little foggy. I should've asked her to have coffee with me and bought her some pancakes, but instead I wanted my food the way I had ordered it because I had things to get done and how many times do I have to mention I don't eat cheese. Really Cindy? REALLY? I wasn't terrible, but I could've been so much more understanding. Last week a kid at school asked me if I had a minute to discuss gay rights. I kept walking, mumbled something or other barely looking at him in the eye because I was late for work and needed to get to my car. I'm pretty certain that a thirty-second delay in my precious schedule would've been alright and maybe I could've actually done something good for a cause I'm in fact quite interested in. Signing up for an email list or honestly telling him I appreciated him standing in the hot Florida sun trying make a difference in the world would've sufficed.

So did I make a difference this week? I don't know - I think I took a giant step backwards...


Let's be something better: spirit, energy, goodness - whatever you want t call it. Drop all those menial human tendencies to want more, bigger, better, and faster. Drop the neediness, the jealousy and the resentment. I think sometimes about looking at ourselves literally from a higher place, like a bird's eye view. How would you rate yourself if you flew right above you all day watching your every move? Did you hold that door open? Did you say please and thank you? Did you inadvertently or knowingly judge someone based on the color of their skin or what they chose to wear on their bodies?

I love this quote from Paulo Coelho:

"We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path."

"I'm working on it" has become way too common of a phrase for me. I think it's time to just be. My BFF gave me a swift reminder today that I have a long way to go (that story for another time), but I'm aware, trying, and sharing my lessons along the way.

Are YOU working on it?!?!?!

Photo links: here, here & here :)

Being Less Human

It's Gratitude Time! I've gotten some really great emails from friends and colleagues this week and although I haven't had time to reply (I swear I will), I wanted to say thank you for taking the time to write such thoughtful notes.

Work is just unbelievably great. *GRIN* I realize that even when I'm out serving you a lemon drop or two, I can make a difference. The girl I partnered with this weekend was much younger and very sweet and eager to learn. I really like her. At one point she said, "alright Cindy, how do I get it together? Infuse me with some of that whatever you've got going on that everyone is so drawn to!" I just looked at her and it was so clear that the teaching doesn't stop or start in the classroom or when someone actually asks for help, it really is ongoing no matter what I'm doing.

However, the triviality of my nighttime job does not go unnoticed. This week we were being audited by the corporate folks so we had a conference call to go over all the key speaking points and general procedures. We spent 37 minutes discussing (very seriously) the best way to have a consumer grab a drink, take a lemon wedge, and sprinkle some sugar on it. From grab the lemon first to grab it after; to sprinkle the sugar myself or to let them do it; to no way it's not going to work so let's put the lemon on the rim of the glass and blah blah blah.... At one point I cut everyone off and alerted them to the incredible wackiness of it all: "Are we seriously still talking about lemon wedges? Team Miami... saving lives one lemon drop at a time."

I made a funny! (You had to be there.)

So I'm extremely thankful for this silly job that allows me to meet so many different people with the flexibility to do everything else that's on my plate at the moment!

Connecticut here I come. My flight leaves at 5 PM tomorrow and I'll be workie workie all day Tuesday and flying back home Wednesday. I got the following message from the event's organizers: "Thank goodness you make things so much easier by tackling this promotion. It will be just you and the local sales guys. [He] has so much trust in you (as do we all)."

A little gratitude goes a long way to make me want to knock this presentation out of the ballpark!

I'm meeting Professor Marcus for lunch tomorrow and I'm finalizing my grad school application essay --> FINALLY!!! I'm so excited that I just can't hide it. The day I type up that last footnote will be the day life will be sweeeeeet. After lunch he'll be driving me to the airport because that's how awesome Professor Marcus is! Oh, and please join me in congratulating him for ONCE AGAIN winning the TOP award as professor of the year at our university! Awesome:)))))

(He's the one in the middle in bright red... that's because he's the only Harvard PhD at school!)

I'm grateful for the time I spent with my family this weekend and for all the great food we enjoyed! I'm thrilled to be on the move again and booked solid for weeks. And I'm grateful for you guys who keep me company and make me laugh on a daily basis! So don't forget to say thank you... feeling it is great, but it's not enough. Let them know, say it over and over again. It's a good habit to have.

And lastly....did anyone watch the Emmys? The host from Survivor won for something or other and he quoted Joseph Campbell: follow your bliss! I cried a little. Teee heee!

<a href="http://www.wineonlips.com" target="_blank"><img alt="Language Is Wine Upon The Lips" src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v651/cindy2685/d5bc107c.jpg" /></a>

***Copy & paste the link in the box to grab this icon and start your own Weekly Gratitude Note. I'll make sure to link back to you and share your stories!***

***I also started something new -->Apart from picking up the icon above, you can enter your link below and announce on my page that you're jumping on the gratitude train! It'll also help others find you :) ***

Photo link here

Gratitude Note - Part V

Today is Chilean Independence Day! Chi-Chi-Chi Le-Le-Le Viva Chile!!!! (That’s what we scream out today and at every soccer game.)

I confess to not being the most patriotic girl. My father always complains that I don’t care for what’s going on in Chile and that I should be more “in tune” with my culture. Hey! I’m plenty “in tune” Mr…. I’m just not walking around wearing a llama wool hat with a giant flag as my Superman cape. Not that there’s anything wrong with that… it’s just not me.

I’m an American. I live in the U.S., I work in the U.S. and I absolutely LOVE this crazy country that has given me and my entire family the most amazing opportunity to follow our bliss since the late 80s. I was ten and a half (kids always say that) and did not speak a LICK of eeeeenglich. Nothing. Zip. Nada. But I remember thinking it was no big deal… until I got to school and realized that yes, indeed it was a bit of problem. I had the most awful teacher who insisted on sending me to read the dictionary whenever I didn't understand something. She was a genius, of course, since sending a kid who does not speak nor read English to read a dictionary that is ALL in English was...well... kind of useless and a bit torturous for yours truly.

I think it was just a bit of a shock to come from being a top student back in Chile to being treated like a second-class citizen because I needed to think and translate words in my head before speaking. Memo to all: struggling with a new language does NOT equal IQ deficiency. I was, however, very excited that they had a giant cafeteria with lots of food and hog dogs. My father never allowed me to sign up for free lunch. He said he never wanted anyone to say we took anything for free that we didn't deserve. So I never really could afford to buy the hot dog and chocky milk combo, but I’d pack a mean bologna sandwich no matter what.

Kids teased me because of my height, and because I didn’t speak the language they thought I didn’t understand what they were saying… although Big Bird is rather self-explanatory.I excelled in physical ed because you didn’t need to speak in order to run fast (oh, and I was a beast climbing that rope). Until some kid next to me told me I looked funny when I ran and I thought, well… that’s not good…I better stop running. So I joined the marching band and that certainly didn’t help my popularity. Oh, and I was on the "juggling" team. Yes ladies and gentlemen, I can juggle balls like you never imagined La Gigante could. And although I'm giggling like a school girl now because I know your mind is in the gutter, it's the awful truth: I'm very coordinated!

So on this glorious September 18th, I say Viva Chile and Viva USA for allowing my humble tribe to work the land. I cannot wait to visit granny in Santiago next year and eat like it's 2012 then grab my gazillion cousins and dance the night away with strange very, very short Chilean men. I'll buy expensive souvenirs, have tea and sweets with friends and family, visit grandpa's grave to say howdy, drink the wine and then drink some more, and then sit back, enjoy my last night in this long, skinny, out-of-the-way country and slowly but surely come to the realization that I can't wait to just fly back home.

Right back here. It's just where I belong.

Salud!

Photo link: here

It's September 18th Everyone!

Hello loyal minions! I'm at the bookstore working on my research paper and decided to try posting via text messaging! Hi!

I just read this and wanted to share:

"Great literature, DH Lawrence came to realize, is the seemingly artless creation of everyday life, with its rhythms, its immediacy, its truthfulness, and its life-and-death struggle with the problems of existence, with just enough art to give definition and to make us think it is directly drawn from reality, even when we know we are being manipulated."

This is why I love art and look forward to infecting young minds with my obsession:)

And how about that last post, eh? Lots of great responses. Thank you for being such wonderful BBs (blogging buddies)!

Let's hope this text thing works... *fingers crossed*

Just a Quickie

I had a quick talk today with a friend about relationships and it’s been in my head all day. Is it possible… is it feasible… is it even remotely likely that we’ll find the one, the love of our lives, Mr./Mrs. Right? Is the notion of happily ever after just that… a notion? And for those of you who are coupled, do you believe they are the only one for you? Or is it possible (without discrediting your relationship at all) that there are many we could be blissfully happy with?

In Cindiland, that is my world, happy couples do not abound. My grandparents were married for over fifty years, but I know grandma had the patience of a saint, which I may or may not have inherited. I’m leaning towaaaaard… not so much, but I digress. My parents are divorced and we all agreed that was a wonderful thing to do. My father has ten siblings and of the entire giant gypsy clan that I call my family, only ONE uncle and aunt are truly happy. I mean they love each other more than a fat kid loves cake and my cousins are so incredibly wonderful that I’d be pressed to EVER find a better happiness model. And I don’t even mean superficial stuff… I mean going to bed, turning off the lights, and smiling as you sleep because you know life is g-o-o-d.

So I have trouble believing in romance. I want to so much and the last thing I’d like to do is put that negativity out there. My BFF Brian practically drilled the following into my head:

Your thoughts become your words, your words become your actions, and your actions become your character.

(memorize that, by the way, it comes in handy). It’s very simple, the universe just goes “your wish is my command” and poof! There you are all Bitter Betty on match.com hoping this time it’ll be different.
I don’t want to be the love Grinch. But I don’t want to live in my little Pisces fantasy land where falling in love = happy. I want to just be happy no matter what and no matter whom. And I think I’ve done a pretty good job putting that into honest practice. Not just saying it and writing about it, but honestly finding my goals and my passion and being incredibly satisfied in life.

I wonder sometimes if that’s possible to do if you’re attached. I’ve said it before, they don’t call it falling in love for nothing. I really think you loose your head there for a while and nothing makes much sense. You have to consider the other person when making every decision and you would rather spend ten minutes with them than a few hours studying. For instance, I wouldn’t be applying to schools out of town if I was settled here with someone… life would be just different. So the question is, would I be as driven as I am today if I was attached to a better (tall, dark, and handsome) half?

One thing I’ve learned writing my research paper is that I don’t have to have all the answers, but I can sure probe your brain and pose some questions….

I can’t remember how stressing over someone feels like either. I live SUCH a peaceful life. Well, we know I’m stressing because of grad school, but I will take this anxiety ANY DAY over a broken, sad, or angry heart. Or a combo of all three. I had a girlfriend once tell me she would rather have another c-section than live through a sad break-up or divorce. Jeeeeeezzz… talk about painting a vivid picture there. She’s doing alright so I’m not too concerned.

Which leads us, of course, to the obvious paradox of not opening up to anyone in order to preserve that peace - a conundrum indeed.
I haven’t quite made up my mind about happily ever after. Since I’m officially a citizen of Nerdidom lately, here’s a quote from the introduction to my copy of Lawrence’s Women in Love:

Danish theologian Søren Kierkegaard, in his existentialist masterwork Either/Or, begins to question the sincerity of an eternal love. May it not, Kierkegaard enquired, be more sincere, instead of pledging to love your beloved forever and forever and forever, to vow to love her until Easter or May Day, and if that works out, to renew the vow until Christmas?

But that’s not acceptable, now is it? We just don’t do that because it wouldn’t be “nice.” I really think I should have a separate bedroom in my house so I can sleep by myself when I’m feeling like… well… sleeping by myself. I think my beau should enjoy plenty of Cindy-free time following his dreams and passions way apart from the family unit. I also believe we have a strong karmic contract with a few people to be romantically involved with in this lifetime. I know the people in my life that I’ve had that attraction to. It’s not too many and I can easily count them in one hand. I haven’t seriously dated any of them by the way… they’ve just been fleeting moments or casual co-workers or wonderful men that live far, far away. The problem is that once I feel that connection and that certainty that somehow I know you more than I should know you, nothing else comes close and everyone else I meet falls short (no pun intended… I’m six feet tall).

And so here I am writing this entry in record time. I guess when you have a lot in your mind it just pours right out. I’m just present and live in the moment. All I can be is thankful for the amazing life I lead and for this unbelievable opportunity to basically start all over and follow my bliss! Stress or no stress… I’m sitting on my couch writing this with a giant smile (and a slight chuckle) because when I turn off my lights tonight oh you better believe it… I’ll be thinking life is g-o-o-d.... I'll do my best to never close my heart up to good things. Note to self:


_______
Photo links:
http://bunnis.deviantart.com/art/Love-is-54671516
http://www.weheartit.com/entry/412694

Notes to Self

(photo link)

Better late than never? That’s what I’m sayin’.

Last week was faaaantabulous. I had lunch with Professor Marcus who painstakingly sat across from me while I read line by line all fifteen pages of my grad school essay. Honestly, how many applicants have that luxury? Good thing he loved his chicken picatta because I really appreciate his patience! From wrong publishing dates to just better ways of writing a sentence, he was able to scrutinize it to the last detail. I’m so very thankful! Today at school he gave me a copy of Women in Love, which I’m using for my research. As if that wasn’t enough, I also got my hands on a few printouts detailing absolutely BRILLIANT copy that I’ll turn into the bright, shiny, super sweet cherry on top at the end of my paper.

I also want to thank Melissa at So About What I said and Lauren at Dear Golden Vintage for making me the winner of their tote giveaway! I absolutely love it and I’m so very grateful. It really IS a cute bag I’ll probably use every day. THANKS SO MUCH!


My friend Matthew and I got a chance to grab a drink this week... which turned in to two and then three drinks and then it was 4 AM and there we were, still trying to make sense of our lives over a draft beer at some beachy bar close to home. I love you Matty McMattierson... and thanks for the plethora of chewy sour candy. My tongue is sore.

(photo link)

Time and flexibility are so important in my life at the moment. I can’t even imagine how difficult this would all be working nine to five. I whine and complain sometimes because who wants to be serving drink samples till 2 AM, but honestly, I’m in my 30s and the fact that I still get hired for these gigs really amazes me. The fact that I can make a living editing books at home and working random events at night really, truly, amazes me. Didn’t I tell ya…when you follow your dreams doors will open where there were no doors before.

I also had a quick epiphany when folding my laundry. I must have approximately thirty t-shirts and can’t quite remember ever paying for one. They’re all from events worked or random giveaways here and there. I used them to sleep in and I thought, good heavens…I don’t need all of these! So I started thinking of the excess we are spoiled with (don’t end your sentences in a preposition, by the way... Unless you’re casually blogging - then I approve). I found this article on CNN about a girl who became homeless and lived in a trailer on the parking lot of Wal-Mart. She started blogging and someone took notice. It just got me thinking of the great place I live in and the organic groceries I can afford. We can’t NEVER forget to be grateful!

I’ll be in Connecticut next week because I got hired for another gig! Next month is Dallas… yeeee haw. Thank you universe for the abundance!

Sunday I went to the Improv in Miami to see my friend Dave Siegel perform. He’s HILARIOUS (check out the video on his site). We hung out in the fancy green room which is not green at all by the way, and because I’m gullible and believe in the goodness of people (I should exclude comedians) I almost walked on stage while the main act was on. He told me it was the door to the ladies room and yes, I believed him. Thanks Dave… that would’ve been funny, but I would’ve hurt you… and not so good. Oni Perez was hosting and he was pretty hysterical also. He’s a local Miami comic and a fellow blogger so I’m hoping to see him perform again soon. Tommy Davidson was the main act and I got a chance to say hello after the show. He saw me with Dave, looked me up and down and said: “I’m liking it. Yeah, yeah, uhu… I’m liking it.”

Thanks funny stranger whom I’ve seen on television now and then!

Aaaaaaaaaaanyway, here’s a picture of the impromptu night out...

(From left to right: Oni Perez, Vanessa (BFF), Alvaro (BFF), Mariel (Alvaro's girlfriend and the only normal size person in the group) and Dave.

That is all for now. I need to get ready and go to work....

must.
not.
whine.

<a href="http://www.wineonlips.com" target="_blank"><img alt="Language Is Wine Upon The Lips" src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v651/cindy2685/d5bc107c.jpg" /></a>

***Copy & paste the link in the box to grab this icon and start your own Weekly Gratitude Note. I'll make sure to link back to you and share your stories!***

***I also started something new -->Apart from picking up the icon above, you can enter your link below and announce on my page that you're jumping on the gratitude train! :) ***

Gratitude Note - Part IV

Oh my goodness I’ve missed you guys! I’ve been MIA for waaaaay too long. I still have my Gratitude Note from last week on my computer and haven’t posted it. I promised to come back with full force this week.

In the mean time, I was thinking about the good stuff I’ve done this week. Yesterday while I was out shopping, I saw a wallet that my BFF Vanessa has wanted forever and I figure I would just buy it for her… just because. She was really happy! When I got home I thought, great! There’s the subject of my Monday post. Then I thought, did I buy it just so I’d have something to write about? But no, I really wasn’t thinking of the blog at all and that makes it worthy of Making a Difference Monday! Actually, Carrie from [carrotspeat] has great tips for bloggers this week on her post so stop by and say hello.

Also, my other BFF Brian is in San Diego for the next couple of weeks and I'll be cat sitting for him every other day. I go and feed the furry balls, play with them, clean their icky poopiefied litter box, and so on. That's a good deed indeed!

I have soooo much to be thankful for last week that I'll be working on that ASAP. I'll be back soon to read up on all you guys. I feel way out of the loop!

PS. Patrick Swayze... blah:(

Making a Difference Monday - Part II

I had a revelation last night and I think I figured out the reasoning behind my stress. I'm absolutely terrified that I won't get into grad school and I'll disappoint not only myself but everyone who's helped me along the way. And I'm absolutely terrified that I will get into grad school and will then slowly but surely disappoint myself and everyone who's helped along the way.

I'm at odds with my own will! I know. I was confused last night too.

So I had a really good conversation with my higher self and my grandpa who always seems to be around when I need a good heavenly ear, and it turns out that it's all going to be okay. I think the 17th century poet John Donne also strolled in with a very much needed pat in the back because all of a sudden I had the absolute need to read The Canonization: "For God's sake hold your tongue, and let me love... What merchant's ships have my sighs drowned?"

(Picture a crazy lady walking all over the house reading this poem out loud at midnight last night. I put Shakespearean actors to shame... Chilean accent and all.)

And there you go. I can't think of anything more amazing that spending my life in the study of this kind of beauty. I'm pretty darn sure I'm not the only grad school hopeful wondering if they'll be on par with their peers. I don't question the certainty of wanting to do this more than anything in the world, but I have questioned my ability to get through it and I might as well fess up to it.

Huh... go figure. But since I'm not about to be at some subconscious war with myself much longer, I wanted to write about this and let it go.

I'm happy to report the big girl panties are still being worn. Now what about that bliss we keep talking about?! Yeah!

{photos via weheartit}

'Sol Good

I wanted to write a quick note because I found a Blog of Note, [carrotspeak.], that I thought was great. She has a Making a Difference Monday post where we get to share a nice thing we've done for someone that week. It can be anything from smiling at a store clerk when you were feeling lousy, to really going out of your way to make someone's day.

What a lovely idea:)))

I started thinking back to this week and since I've been in selfish must-read-and-study mode all week, I'm having trouble thinking of good deeds... the horror. Hhhhmmm... I was very encouraging when working with a new girl this weekend and I did call my BFF to see if his girlfriend (who is not very fond of me) wanted some things I thought she might like. Actually, that was very nice of me... considering... ahem. Oh wait, I have a good one: I'm working on translating a huge document for a friend, which is saving him mega bucks because this kind of stuff isn't cheap. Actually, I think the best thing I've done is really blocking out bad thoughts and concentrating on goodness and love. It's not always easy, but at least I'm aware and that's definitely a good start.

Well there you go, let's hope next week I have something more substantial to share. We can all do more to make the world a better place!

And since I've been in the Walt Whitman mood lately (thanks to Prof. Marcus), here's a great quote from the man himself:

This is what you shall do: love the earth and sun, and animals, despise riches, give alms to every one that asks, stand up for the stupid and crazy, devote your income and labor to others, hate tyrants, argue not concerning God, have patience and indulgence towards the people, take off your hat to nothing known or unknown, or to any man or number of men; go freely with the powerful uneducated persons, and with the young, and mothers, of families: read these leaves in the open air every season of every year of your life: re-examine all you have been told at school or church, or in any books, and dismiss whatever insults your soul.

Pay it forward and don't forget the gratitude!

Making a Difference Monday

So it seems I have a problem: I can't zzzzzzleeep!

Is this the slow deterioration of our bodies after thirty?! Has it begun?!?!?!?! If you find "REDRUM" anywhere on my blog, please send the rescue to my house. Well, that's for cabin fever, but I'm sure insomnia has some similar Hollywood-made-up effects.

I don't think this has ever happened to me before, at least not for such an extended period of time. Honestly, I can't quite remember the last time I went beddy bye at a decent time without the aid of some herbal tea or over-the-counter sleepy pills. Lately I feel tired all day and it's hard to do all that needs to get done. Whine whine whine... I know. But wait! There's more...

It has to be the stress, but I don't necessarily feel stressed. I mean, I'm not sweating cold and my heart is beating at a rather normal rate. I eat normally and I have yet to yell this month at the awful woman who likes to patrol the laundry room in my condo: "you didn't clean the lint filter thoroughly enough, young lady!"

Grad school applications and test deadlines are coming up next month and my tummy does hurt just writing about it. But I have SO much help and support from friends that I can't imagine why my body is not processing all of this accordingly. In South America they call this "drowning in a glass of water." What in the world is wrong with me? Plus, I'm happy to report my grad school writing sample is almost complete and it's actually not too shabby!

On a side note, I never got around to watching District 9, but I did rent The Soloist. At one point Robert Downy Jr. cries his eyes out and wishes he was half as passionate about anything as Nathaniel (Jamie Foxx) is about music. I think I heard the heavenly choir sing! :) Great movie and a good reminder: follow your bliss! Honestly, it made me want to pick up my clarinet and start playing again. But one blissful goal at a time (and yes, I went to band camp...).

Oh, and thank you Mr. Prez for reminding our kiddies to be cool and stay in school. Anyone, especially one of such worldly influence who didn't always have it all served on a silver platter, reminding us about the importance of education is a VERY good idea no matter what your political beliefs are.

Now if I could only catch some zzzzz's tonight...

Sleepless in Miami

So I met Manny at Thirty-Something Bloggers and he read my Cindy The Giant Post. He posted this picture under my blog entry with the tag "I feel your pain." Ha! That's some funny stuff Manny!!!!


PS. For a thorough understanding of what in the world I'm talking about, click here. And if you have smarty-pant friends as well, please share your pain! :)))

BBU (Big-Brained United)

This week I seriously nerdied up and wrote much of my sample essay that I'll need to apply to grad school. I'd like to thank the muses and Prof. Marcus for helping me along! I haven't written anything academic since circa 2003 and pulling a twenty-something page thorough analysis of one short story by D.H. Lawrence seemed like a tremendous feat a few weeks ago. Yay me. I told you I had a BIG brain :)

I'm also incredibly excited to let the entire world know that my daddy's tests all came back negative. That is a huge relief and I can only hope he begins to take care of himself. Follow your bliss!

On a rather exciting note, I was offered a great gig in Dallas next month where I'll be able to present, travel, meet people and do all those wonderful things I enjoy.

That leads to the main point of this week's gratitude note: ABUNDANCE! Yes! I'm so very thankful for ALL of the abundance in my life, including but not limited to: Walt Whitman's poetry, family, all my cyber blogging buddies, the awesome super high heels I just bought, all the work coming my way that I'm so incredibly grateful for, did I mention my blogging buddies (I love you guys!), my health, the awesome bundle of toiletries I picked up at Target, The Norton Anthology I was able to borrow to study for the GRE, good wine and good dancing, very good pad thai I ate with my BFF on Monday, and the list goes on and on....

Tomorrow I'm going to go see District 9 with Vanessa. I'll let you know how it goes!

"I know I'm august
I do not trouble my spirit to vindicate itself or be understood..."
-Walt Whitman, Song of Myself

<a href="http://www.wineonlips.com" target="_blank"><img alt="Language Is Wine Upon The Lips" src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v651/cindy2685/d5bc107c.jpg" /></a>

***Copy & paste the link in the box to grab this icon and start your own Weekly Gratitude Note. I'll make sure to link back to you and share your stories!***

***I also started something new -->Apart from picking up the icon above, you can enter your link below and announce on my page that you're jumping on the gratitude train! :) ***

Gratitude Note - Part III

So my BFF likes to make fun of my height and what he calls a "disturbing and very disproportionally large head." I'm six feet tall and I'd like to think I just have a big brain.

I HAVE A BIG BRAIN I SAID!

Here's baby Cindy all cute wearing a hat and all and walking around downtown Santiago... or something.

Next is what the BFF calls the "real" picture before it was photoshopped to make me look normal. (That's an actual Chilean village, by the way... He's very proud be that!). He calls me "La Gigante" and says every time I go to Chile the women and children run in fear of being eaten.

Here I am proudly flashing friends and family sometime in the 80s

The BFF would like to point out that the picture above strategically used trees for perspective, and it is the picture below that caputres "La Gigante" about to proceed with the monthly village sacrifices.

And last but not least here I am on my grandparents' front yard wearing a dress that's about two sizes too small. But still cute. And I still have chicken legs.

And below you'll find, of course, the actual shot before I shrunk my head to prevent the government from kidnapping me and running extensive tests for my abnormalities.

Thanks BFF!

Cindy The Giant