I thought I'd share this although I may have told you some of these stories already. This is the personal, very non-technical essay that schools require for admission. Of course the pictures won't be included and I may tweak it a bit, but it's almost done... here we go... ;-p
Being the new kid in class is never easy at any age, but it’s considerably more difficult when you’re eleven years old, in a new country, and trying desperately to learn a new language. You would think teachers were supportive, but instead I was sent to the back corner to read the dictionary almost daily because I was just unable to keep up with the class lectures. This was, of course, not only extremely frustrating for me but rather futile being that the dictionary was all in English and I didn’t understand the definitions anyway. You see, I learned how to speak English somewhere around the age of twelve. Up until then, I was a top student in a private grade school in Santiago, Chile, where I excelled in language arts and history.

Of course I excelled in physical education because I didn’t need to speak English in order to run fast and climb ropes. I won the Most Improved P.E. Student Award in sixth grade and that was the first time I was recognized as being “good” in school in U.S. Although I was rather shy and introverted, I joined the orchestra in middle school and eventually graduated high school with the highest possible honors.

Through a temporary employment agency, I began working for a major pharmaceutical company in 1999. It turned out that I was assisting the Sr. Medical Editor with various administrative tasks and some “light” proofing. A few months later I was hired permanently and became the “Labeling Assistant” and eventually studied my way up to a “Jr. Editor.” I had absolutely no idea I had such an aptitude for language, grammar, and research. I always enjoyed reading and writing and my highest marks where in literature classes, but to make this a career was an entire other situation.

I attended college full-time climbing the corporate ladder rather quickly. I worked eight to five, ran to school six to ten and usually had a Saturday course. On my third year of college I still wasn’t sure what my major was going to be. My father said business was safe and so did my boss and co-workers. My friends said marketing would always be useful and my young sister wondered why I didn’t pursue music – I did love playing the clarinet. And then I sat in a Saturday morning British Literature class where I decided that no amount of accounting and business law would ever touch me as deeply as Clarissa Dalloway did. I decided that no corporate position could satisfy me more than reading a strange Eliot passage only to realize after deep analysis that it’s indeed a timeless masterpiece. I decided that I loved literature and would somehow make a living in the field, but not without second-guessing everything for a bit longer.

I had worked so hard climbing that silly ladder to finally earn the Technical Writer/Editor position that the fact I was still tragically unsatisfied was seriously baffling to me. So I left this great company for a much better paying copy editing job a couple years after graduating college, only to run into the same creative frustrations. I then tried real estate in search of that elusive independence and a drastic change of atmosphere. Needless to say that did not work out well and I fell back on my experience as a contracting event manager to make a living. I did not realize these small events I ran on a very part-time basis as a way to make extra money would serve as a stepping stone to a fairly fulfilling job.

Who knew there was life outside the claustrophobic cubicle and that I could actually do very well for myself as a contractor? I started as a liquor sampling girl and rather quickly landed a Market Manager position for a national adult-beverage company that allowed me to work from home and discover an entire new set of dormant skills. I even got a couple of book editing jobs through friends of friends who recommended me. I had never edited a book, but when you work for yourself, you say yes to everything and then figure out how to do it. The Chicago Manual of Style was already on my bookshelf, so I did it and did it well!

I started a blog online to share some of these growing pains with the world. My theme eventually developed into “follow your bliss” and “carpe diem!” I wrote about taking chances because nothing will be accomplished if you sit at home waiting for your destiny to happen. I wrote about my “vanilla phobia” and how my biggest fear in life was to have an insipid existence in that much dreaded “quiet desperation.” Eventually, after much self-analysis I decided to walk the walk, talk the talk, and follow my own advice. I’m going to renounce my life as I see it and go back to school because that’s how you follow your bliss! You take a gigantic leap of faith with the most austere understanding that there is nothing in the entire world you would rather do.

I’ve already worn the fancy suits and traveled in fancy first class using my corporate card. I’ve already been wined and dined by clients and industry colleagues while discussing the latest trends in the stock market. I’ve already danced the night away in South Beach and had breakfast with sleepy-eyed friends while reminiscing on the good times. I’ve already traveled the country as a brand ambassador for a Scotch whisky brand and had the opportunity to participate in major public speaking engagements. You see, I’ve already done so many things in my life that I know, as certain as the sky in blue, that this burning desire to study literature is not a whim or something that it’s just expected of me. This is not a decision I’m making while crossing my fingers and hoping it’s the correct one. I know it is and I’ve always known – I just needed to experience a few things in order to feel it in my heart.

And here I am writing a personal statement to further my studies in this language that at one point seemed so alien and so unbelievably complex. A language that I learned from scratch – verb by verb and predicate by predicate. A language that I grew to love with all its nonsensical rules and odd sounds. Eventually my ears and my tongue were able to differentiate “color” from “collar,” and “thorough” wasn’t an impossible word to spell any longer. I think graduate school will be similar and eventually I will flourish and succeed because that’s what passion and experience bring to life. I wonder what my fifth grade teacher would say now if she saw me. She might ask me to edit the dictionary instead of using it to deflect her own shortcomings. I, on the other hand, would tell her to rethink her career choice because teaching, researching, learning and loving aren’t about easy cover-ups. They’re about getting to the main idea, reading everything ever written about it, refuting everything already said, and developing a better, cleaner, thought-provoking theory. I’m up for the challenge!


(Pics via weheartit.com)

Personal Statement

So you boys and gals remember [carrotspeak]? Well, I think it's time I get back to making a difference!

My good deeds:
Remember cute bartender I met in Dallas? Well, he was in Miami this weekend and although I couldn't go out and grab a drink with him, I did drive a rather long distance to take him and his friend to the Port of Miami. (They're on a cruise now... nice!) It saved them tons of money and it was actually a nice time. They're two really good guys and I was happy to tag along and help out at the same time :)

I also TEMPORARILY lent my sister some cash to pay her rent. No more will be written about this because it annoys me. The end.

I've been helping out my daddy deal with his home insurance company and have written a few letters on his behalf. He is very thankful and wants to cook me dinner. I love that.

Good deeds done for me:
Brian changed the lock on my mailbox because I lost my keys during an event I was working.

BFF Vanessa also came to help set up that event and help out last week. No questions asked - I needed her and she showed up a bit later. Love her to pieces!

Got a set of GREAT novels from another BFF to prep for grad school. I thought that was awfully nice and thoughtful.

There... not too shabby of a list!

Making a Difference Monday - Part III

This might just be one of my favorite pictures... ever. I found it on Rachel's page and she's right... so much to say... I LOVES IT!

Anarky!

I took the red pill. But not without a hell of a fight.

If I could infuse the world with just one thing, one feeling, one concept; it would definitely be the ability to BE AWARE. The ability to see past the end of your nose, to live empathetically, to radiate kindness, and most importantly to be aware of our own flaws. It’s okay to be insecure and it’s okay to be jealous. It’s okay to feel odd about your body or to be impatient and say and do things you later regret. It’s okay to lie to your boss and play hooky from work and it’s okay to encourage someone to love you although you know you’ll never love them the same way…

I’m guilty of all and much more. The difference between then and now is awareness and the ability to fix it… instantly… and hopefully while it’s still just a thought. Eventually, it won’t even be a thought or something to fix. It will just be. It's only okay because accepting these flaws and being aware is how we grow.

Remember my feelings about being less human? I still feel that way. I still think we should live from a higher plane without the tediousness of our own earthy mishaps. I aim for that awareness every day and part of that is recognizing my own flaws and how incredibly easy is for us to inadvertently sabotage our lives.

That’s the red pill. That’s the awareness. Take the blue pill and you’ll live - happily so - in the matrix… where you’ll go to work daily, drag yourself back home, make love to your spouse once a week, take your sleepy kids to school, and wonder every night if this is all there is with some kind of intrinsic knowledge that no, it is not.

Here’s a short and colorful list of things I’m not proud, but very guilty of:

• Vanity (who, moi?)
  
• Materialism (I want I want I want bigger faster better)
  
• Insecurity (I can't I don't know how I won't)
  
• Jealousy (I assume I don't ask I hurt)
  
• Selfishness (I take I use I deserve)
  
• Neediness (I need attention I need love I need you)
  
• Aimlessness (I try this and that and maybe that too)
  
• Pride (I am this I am that I will not)
  

And then I met my BFF Brian who decided, at the expense of my feelings and almost our friendship, to point out all of these things (and more) one by one and with very concrete evidence… He was honest, loving, and straight to the point. I cried and I argued and I tried desperately to prove I was a good girl. What I didn’t understand is that indeed I was a good girl. I was just completely unaware of… EVERYTHING.

I was unhappy and didn’t know why. I hated my job and couldn’t figure out why. I wanted to date, date, date just for the sake of dating and hoping desperately to find someone who told me I was pretty and would love me forever. I had a serious case of body dysmorphic disorder where I couldn’t figure out, honestly, how skinny or how heavy or how it was that I was supposed to or wanted to look. I never looked right and I never wanted anyone to see me either. It all came across as awfully vain because pretending I loved myself was the only way I knew how to feel better about it. And my goodness was I needy… you did NOT want to cancel an outing on me and I did not care if you had worked a 24-hour shift non-stop at the fire station prior to that. You were rejecting me and so you hated me.

We call that girl “Crazy Cindy” and Brian likes to bring her up once in a while… mostly for a good laugh! (Dear B, if I haven't thanked you enough for your love and patience please know that I am forever grateful and that I wouldn't be where I am today without your relentless belief in me. I love you dearly, my friend.)

They say that we live and learn… whoever they are. Actually, most of us live and rarely learn a darn thing. We tell ourselves that life is hard and so we live it in a hard way. We tell ourselves we’re just human and so we accept jealousy and insecurities. We have jobs we don’t enjoy because that’s what our parents did and that’s all we know. And we rarely, really take a look at our flaws and figure out a way to fix them because we don’t even know where to start.

But I did and that was the beginning of happiness.

One day I threw my pride out the window and called Brian: “I’m ready to listen.” And I never stopped… I went deep down the rabbit hole into a rather scary, but very real adventure. I decided my flaws were BEAUTIFUL! I decided that sometimes I’m impulsive and say things I regret and I decided that I can certainly be bossy and pushy sometimes although I never mean to be. I decided that my life is exceptional and my purpose is rather daunting, but really exciting! I decided to meditate, to read, to research, and find a solid spiritual growing path that made sense to me… not because my parents say so and not because everyone else believes it, but because I feel it and because I know it.

I choose awareness and I choose kindness. And believe me, it’s not an easy choice to make. Actually, I’m pretty certain it was the hardest, most excruciatingly painful experience I’ve had. But I tell ya, when I say Carpe Diem Babbbbyyyyy!!!!! I mean it because I’ve lived the alternative; and when I say Follow Your Bliss I wish you saw the energy radiating from me because it’s unbelievably honest and strong.

I’ve heard it said that we’re all born geniuses and life has a way to de-geniusize us. The antidote: AWARENESS. LOVE. KINDNESS. COURAGE. PATIENCE. (Don't forget Mother Theresa: Love without getting tired....)

So which pill do you choose?



(pics via weheartit.com)

Awareness: Down The Rabbit Hole We Go!

Alright, it’s official. I’m a bit overwhelmed. I’m so thankful for all the work coming my way, but when you’re a contractor it appears that the word “no” just falls right out of your vocabulary. “Yes!” always slips right out before running it all through my mental calendar and realizing I can’t clone myself.

And so my writing and my blogging have fallen down the priority list. In the words of the great Bart Simpson: this sucks and blows all at once. I’ve also had a migraine all week that comes and goes… it “ebbs” as our dear friend Walt Whitman might say. Today in particular, I swallowed a series of miscellaneous pills, I’ve drank herbal teas that according to grandma work wonders, I took a long delicious nap, I turned off all the lights, I’ve drank plenty of water and eaten plenty of goodies… and here I am… struggling to write this because I can barely look at the screen without the throbbing upstairs.

However, I did want to say thank you for the amazing life I lead. Work couldn’t possibly be going any better. I told my BFF Brian the other day, “when it pours it rains!” And although I can now add dyslexic to my list of things to overcome, when it rains it pours and I'm loving it all. So my to-do list piled on rather high but I finally met the team I’ll be working with and in particular the one guy who will be my partner for the next six months, Bones Rodriguez. I’m happy to report we all have great chemistry and I don’t foresee us having too many issues. I’m excited!

Oh, and my name was forwarded to another client running some marketing programs and she literally sent back the following: “Oh Cindy will be managing it? We love her! Great.”

*self hug*

I haven’t seen my Dad for a few weeks. It always seems something comes up when I’m on my way over. I really need to make him more of a priority. I also haven’t been able to be in school consistently for a while. Between the god-awful porky flu, the traveling (which has been great!), and now all the work… well… everything has kinda sorta piled up and I’m kinda sorta stressed out.

So, my school applications are finally being done. Everything is due December 1st … in other words: NOW. I’m having trouble with recommendation letters since I haven’t seen some of those professors since 2001. I was a little down about it, but I know somehow it’ll all work out. I’m contacting Prof. McKinley who always encouraged me to keep studying and go to grad school when I was in college. She said I’d make “the perfect grad student!” Too bad I didn’t listen to her back then… But I’m baaaaaaaaack and I hope to God she remembers me enough to write on my behalf.

I’m also quite thankful for the friendship I’ve developed with Phil (formerly known as Professor Marcus). He’s really been a wonderful source of encouragement and just fun to be with. I’d be pressed to find better BFFs in my life!

No boys to really speak of…as usual! Ya’ll know I’m allergic to dating. Alright fine - it's just not the time... I know I know... But a girl can fantasize and I figured out I not only have a crush on the Winchester brothers from Supernatural, but on "Jim" from the Ghost Whisperer as well… hhhhmmm… nice.

Oh, my hair is very dark black now. I love it! So that’s that.

I have a list of things I want to write about but I thought I owed you an update first and definitely a Gratitude Note to the universe. Life is wonderful and although I’m struggling to finish everything, I really wouldn’t have it any other way.

Much Love… Cindi Lou Who.

Gratitude Note - Part VI