Cindy's Soliloquy

As Ursula passed from girlhood towards womanhood, gradually the cloud of self-responsibility gathered upon her. She became aware of herself, that she was a separate entity in the midst of an unseparated obscurity, that she must go somewhere, she must become something. And she was afraid, troubled. Why, oh why must one grow up, why must one inherit this heavy, numbing responsibility of living an undiscovered life? Out of the nothingness and the undifferentiated mass, to make something of oneself! But what? In the obscurity and pathlessness, to take a direction! But whither? How take even one step? And yet, how stand still? This was torment indeed, to inherit the responsibility of one's own life.

When was the moment you became aware of your individuality and the responsibility of your own life? The moment you understood you really were a single entity - a combination of forces, will, soul and the unexplainable that make us... us. And then after that's done (if ever), how do we go on? And to where?

In Lawrence's The Rainbow, the characters' complexity is directly proportional to the downfall of their romantic relationships. In other words, the more individual and complete you are, the harder if not impossible it becomes to find a suitable partner. Pairing up of course threatens your individuality...

....Sooooo... then what? How do you, if ever, find that balance? Is it even possible?

To be oneself was a supreme, gleaming triumph of infinity.

What about the known vs. the unknown? Many years ago, a lifetime ago it seems, I was engaged to be married, soon to live within the confines of a white picket fence, with routine visits to friends and shopping malls, and a successful corporate career I could've taken anywhere I desired. And yet I KNEW it was all wrong. I was tragically unhappy and had no idea why or how I had gotten there. I'd turn off the lights and cried while watching my partner sleep next to me blissfully unaware of the turmoil I lived every single day.

How could it be wrong? Didn't I have what others spend forever trying to achieve? It was all so right, wasn't it?

And now I think back and realize... it was just the known. All along... it was all just known... it was expected... it was easy and it was guaranteed. It was routine, it was daily, it was simple only because I didn't care to complicate it by acknowledging my reality and individuality. I was part of the mass living that dreadful vanilla, quiet desperation. It was killing me.

I was repulsed by it.

So I separated from the undifferentiated mass and it was awful. For years it was just awful. I didn't know up from down and went from job to job and date to date. Why not? I thought, this is what I wanted, right? I wanted to feel; to feel anything! So I felt... like hell I felt.

Eventually, the right people walked in and the wrong ones went out. I was able to sit at home on a Saturday night reading a good book without fearing my own psyche. Nothing was ever perfect, but my imperfections were okay and in fact, they were quite beautiful and some very funny! Eventually, my individuality and my flaws became assets and not something I fought against. I took responsibility for my own life and I was no longer troubled by it. The undiscovered became the understood.

So like Ursula, I sit and wait for my mystical new man. The balanced and complete novel character whose happiness will compliment mine and whose life will fit right along my path. We shall have long metaphysical discussions about the meaning of affected Victorian poems and long soliloquies while sipping fine chardonnay and traveling the world in our sparkly horse carriage. We shall live happily ever after. Or will we? Or will anyone?

Isn't it pretty to think so...


(pics via vi.sualize.us)