Dear Nandito,
I don’t exactly know why I haven’t considered coming back here a priority. I don’t know how I’ve missed so much. Grandma speaks of being so ill she could barely go down the stairs to catch the subway to the clinic. What the hell was I doing that was so important that I wasn’t here to drive her? Why didn’t you sprinkle water in my face to wake me up? You used to do it to get me out of bed and on to school. Then you would parade with my shirt on your head and do a funny dance to make me laugh. You silly… silly man! 
One of the biggest regrets I have in life is not being here when you left us. I knew you were terribly ill with prostate cancer. I knew grandma was suffering by your side. And I knew I just didn’t… want…to…know. The thought of watching you slowly deteriorate and die over 10 years ago wasn’t in my plans apparently. I barely acknowledged it. My mother flew over here and stood by your side and for that, I’m truly grateful. I, on the other hand, went on living although I had the means to come over and help. But I didn’t. In fact, I remember exactly down to the minute when my mother called and told me you were gone. I was on the way to a music performance by the University of Miami Wind Ensemble with my boyfriend… I thanked my mother for telling me and went to the show. I didn’t cry. I didn’t feel much. No, that’s not true. I was actually relieved. Shit… I was relieved, wasn’t I?
I’m so sorry. Words seem so useless… I was selfish and terrified to watch you go.
Remember when Karina, Claudio, Jaime, and Nati used to come over and play? You would gather us around looking up at you, then you'd grab a bunch of keys and eat them while we watched closely and very suspiciously. You chewed them and we even heard the metal being crunched and eaten! All my friends would oooohhh and aaaahhh and you asked us to touch your cheeks and feel how hard the keys were. Then you would swallow the entire key chain and sometimes even needed a little bit of water to go with it (what showmanship!). You would choose one lucky kid from the group to pull your hair reeeeaaaalllly hard… as hard as they could until one of your ears moved up and down. Eventually, the keys magically came out of that ear to the dismay of the crowd! Then we all got candy… we always got candy. And I always got a wink from you. I always waited for your wink.
I think I’ll share more of these memories with my friends soon. They’re priceless and etched in my brain as if it were yesterday. One day, I’m going to be the funny old lady that makes kids laugh, hides candy around the house, and makes everyone smile with silly practical jokes. And one day, I’ll forgive myself for not being here when you most needed your loved ones around. I’m here now with Nonita. She’s doing well but at 83 years old, I’m terribly afraid to lose her. Why couldn’t you live forever? I always thought you would. Everything here reminds me of you. Maybe I unconsciously decided not to come back here out of shame. Huh… that makes some kind of sense. UGH! I hate it that it does.
For what is worth… I am very sorry. Please forgive me. I love you more than I ever told you. I’m here now....
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Lump-in-throat-lovely. He sounds wonderful! Cherish the memories, but you don't need guilt...he wouldn't want you to feel badly.
Thanks Little One:) I think he forgives me... now if I could only forgive myself...
My dear sweet friend,
You have the ability to make me laugh or move me to tears. Tonight, my eyes are raining.
At some point in our lives most of us go through what you are feeling now. I did with my grandmother; she was the most beautiful soul alive and I dearly cherish the memories I have of her. I wasn't able to stand the thought of seeing her in the final throes of life as being my last memory of her. And when she moved on, I was relieved that she was free from pain. I still feel guilty for not wanting to be by her side, although I understand my reasoning. I'm certain she'd understand as well, that's the kind of sweet person she was.
Nandito understands this in you too, I promise. You were younger, not ready to face something so unthinkable. And although you weren't there in body, your heart was with him and I know he felt that as strongly as he ever did. I believe he's looking down on you now marvelling at what a beautiful, inspiring woman you've become.
Please don't be too hard on yourself honey. Try to let that guilt go if you can and instead spend that time smiling at all the beautiful memories you two shared. I'm sure that's what he'd want.
xoxo
Stop making me cry Barry! It's interesting you went through something similar. I wish I was at peace with it like you seem to be. I keep trying to recall what I felt at the time and what led me to very coldly and very matter-of-factly decide to not be here, to go to work, to not even think much about it. UGH. I'm actually embarrassed to ask grandma the date he passed. I should know and I don't. Ugh. I couldn't even make a mental note of that. I wish I felt better about it... eventually I will... right? ;-/
Aw, that was totally sweet. I know exactly what you mean, I never visited my gramps in the nursing home cus i couldnt' stand to see him that way... i feel awful for it. especially now, ironically, i work in a nursing home and think about it all the time, =(
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hi
i come from a different part of this world, where family and relatives matter a great deal.or let me say, used to. now as everyone is running to get his life straight, u barely find time to breath.
as my dad went through liver cancer i was there at home, supporting and everything.
after he died, i went through what u are going through now.gult for not have given more. although i did all i could.but still.
a precious advice i received from one of his friends: what you didnt do in his life time, do it now.
all i can do is pray for him, call his friends,do charity for his soul and go visit him.
it might not help much, but at least i tried.
you can try to, and i am sure you will feel much better everytime u do somehting for him.
and best thing to do is to shower ur grandma with love. she is the connection to him. give her the love u wanted to give him, he will feel it.
be safe
touching post .. lovely simply awesome
damn, girl, you have an amazing way of writing. hit a little close to home. only I was here. I nursed my dad through his last couple of months after 10 years with pancreatic cancer. It was really tough. then it was mom's turn. i had to force myself to go to the nursing home. the week she died, they called me on the wed to say she was bad and I meant to go ... but i had stuff going on. and the home's only a 5 min drive from my home. that fri morn they called to say to get there asap ... I never had a chance to speak with her altho she knew I was there. she died that sunday morning.
what i'm try to say (not so eloquently) is that, even at 43, it was really hard to watch a loved one waste away ... it was just so easy to keep going with my own life. but she knew I loved her and your grandpa knew you loved him. he understand why you weren't there ... you were so young to have to deal with such pain. and you can remember him when he was well instead of remembering a shell of a man.
i know this doesn't make it better for you, but in time I hope you forgive yourself because I doubt he thought there was anything to forgive.
Hi Hebba:) Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment. I glanced quickly at your blog and I'm really interested. I'm going to visit you now to read more thoroughly since I haven't had a reliable internet connection all weekend :-/ I guess family means a great deal in Chile as well... possibly more than in the U.S. People don't even move far away from their loved ones and if you do, it is seen as a great sacrifice only done in cases of extreme need. Thank you SO much for your words "what you didnt do in his life time, do it now." I got a little teary-eyed when I read that... I'm trying... really really really trying. I hope you're having a good day Hebba and thanks again for your comment. It meant a great deal to me!
Hi niwit - thanks:) It felt like a confession more than a blog entry...
Miss Blunt Delivery! Thank you for stopping by. I'm starting to feel slightly better about the whole thing. So many of you have had similar experiences. Thanks for sharing... it's such a painful subject for me so I appreciate your comment!
Hi Sandy!!!!!!!! Wow... You've had another painful experience. I guess I'm not alone in my feelings and I sure hope I can let it go one day. "A shell of a man" - I like that... I mean I don't, but it makes sense. He wasn't really "him" then and I was TERRIFIED to see him that way. Aaaarrrrggghhhh... I'll deal with it eventually.
Cindy, it is a pleasure i could help a little. i know the feeling of unsaid words to someone who is gone. but i have learned it the hard way, whenever possible i just try to save anyne from such a negative feeling.
give your love to your grandmother. she needs it more than u would ever think after loosing her life partner and being old herself.
time is life. when u give her part of ur time is like giving her part of your life- which is the most precious thing u can ever give someone. especially in her weak condition.
and, dear, it is never too late to go visit him and talk to him. believe it or not- he will hear you.
i live in Egypt-North africa, not chile. but yes, where i live family still counts a little more than in USA. although the hard life circumstances here dont leave much time for big family. but its kind of strong bounds which we have inherited and strenghten by time. a short call, quick visit, gatherings in weddings- barely keeping the contact to big family and giving some warmth to ur heart. only if the boundry exists.
but u know what, riendships online can be as strong as a personal meeting or family gathering.
it all depends on how much emotions u invest in this relationship.this is what really counts.
if u check my blog, the first post was dedicated to my teacher who i didnt see from 1987 till 2004. but over the years we kept contatc through phone and letters. and from 2004 i didnt see him, but still calling and talking and writing letters. he doesnt use internet. but communication is still possible. you only have to WANT it.
remember, you have a friend to share whatever you wish, and you are mostly welcome to join the group over the blog. funny, but they are all females. barry is the only male there :))))