As Ursula passed from girlhood towards womanhood, gradually the cloud of self-responsibility gathered upon her. She became aware of herself, that she was a separate entity in the midst of an unseparated obscurity, that she must go somewhere, she must become something. And she was afraid, troubled. Why, oh why must one grow up, why must one inherit this heavy, numbing responsibility of living an undiscovered life? Out of the nothingness and the undifferentiated mass, to make something of oneself! But what? In the obscurity and pathlessness, to take a direction! But whither? How take even one step? And yet, how stand still? This was torment indeed, to inherit the responsibility of one's own life.

When was the moment you became aware of your individuality and the responsibility of your own life? The moment you understood you really were a single entity - a combination of forces, will, soul and the unexplainable that make us... us. And then after that's done (if ever), how do we go on? And to where?

In Lawrence's The Rainbow, the characters' complexity is directly proportional to the downfall of their romantic relationships. In other words, the more individual and complete you are, the harder if not impossible it becomes to find a suitable partner. Pairing up of course threatens your individuality...

....Sooooo... then what? How do you, if ever, find that balance? Is it even possible?

To be oneself was a supreme, gleaming triumph of infinity.

What about the known vs. the unknown? Many years ago, a lifetime ago it seems, I was engaged to be married, soon to live within the confines of a white picket fence, with routine visits to friends and shopping malls, and a successful corporate career I could've taken anywhere I desired. And yet I KNEW it was all wrong. I was tragically unhappy and had no idea why or how I had gotten there. I'd turn off the lights and cried while watching my partner sleep next to me blissfully unaware of the turmoil I lived every single day.

How could it be wrong? Didn't I have what others spend forever trying to achieve? It was all so right, wasn't it?

And now I think back and realize... it was just the known. All along... it was all just known... it was expected... it was easy and it was guaranteed. It was routine, it was daily, it was simple only because I didn't care to complicate it by acknowledging my reality and individuality. I was part of the mass living that dreadful vanilla, quiet desperation. It was killing me.

I was repulsed by it.

So I separated from the undifferentiated mass and it was awful. For years it was just awful. I didn't know up from down and went from job to job and date to date. Why not? I thought, this is what I wanted, right? I wanted to feel; to feel anything! So I felt... like hell I felt.

Eventually, the right people walked in and the wrong ones went out. I was able to sit at home on a Saturday night reading a good book without fearing my own psyche. Nothing was ever perfect, but my imperfections were okay and in fact, they were quite beautiful and some very funny! Eventually, my individuality and my flaws became assets and not something I fought against. I took responsibility for my own life and I was no longer troubled by it. The undiscovered became the understood.

So like Ursula, I sit and wait for my mystical new man. The balanced and complete novel character whose happiness will compliment mine and whose life will fit right along my path. We shall have long metaphysical discussions about the meaning of affected Victorian poems and long soliloquies while sipping fine chardonnay and traveling the world in our sparkly horse carriage. We shall live happily ever after. Or will we? Or will anyone?

Isn't it pretty to think so...


(pics via vi.sualize.us)

Cindy's Soliloquy

I haven't felt like writing lately. Between class and long novels and a job that fogs my brain and immobilizes my creativity... I'm just tired. My eyes are puffy and my body is exhausted.

I don't feel like writing much now. I want to just sit on my couch and not think. Thinking really IS overrated.

I'm thankful for the abundance and I simultaneously resent how drained I feel lately. I'm out of shape and out of sorts. I'm off the wagon and unconnected to everything that matters. I let silly situations that are truly irrelevant in my life bother me and ruin the better part of my day. I miss exercising, dance class, and a good disposition. I'm in the best of moods when I'm reading a good story in class or drinking coffee with Prof. Marcus at the book store. Otherwise, my phone rings with problems, my email box fills up with futile requests, and someone somewhere needs me to stop by for something that was probably unnecessary in the first place.

I get it. It's just life.

Well................. NOT my life. I'm looking forward to reading poetry for a living. I rather stress out over a long paper ANY DAY than over a useless event schedule making very rude people richer and trying very hard to please the unpleasable. I mean really, if my boss EVER looked at me and told me to shut the f**k up I wouldn't even acknowledge their presence any longer and just walk away. This is the energy around me lately... low... so very low and negative.

I'm trying to deflect it. I'm trying.

I understand now why I'm an awful addition to their team and actually feel better about it? Huh... it reminds me of Prof. Marcus talking about D.H. Lawrence writing to figure out things and not writing about things he already knew. I don't fit into this program because they're vibrating so low that we miss each other completely. So I shouldn't worry about it and just work less and smarter.

Huh... well there you go... I'm delighted by my own cleverness!

*self-hug*

Thanks-you's coming this week... many things and many of you make me smile daily. Whining session is over and big girl panties are back on.

Life's Vicissitudes

It's 2:21 AM and I'm pooped, but I have a few updates on the adventures in Cindiland. Here's a bulleted list because I REALLY should be going to sleep:

• Super hot guy from my previous post wrote me an e-mail. It was just a benign reminder to send him an event's info that he was interested in attending. Of course I got all giddy and wrote back... And of course I never heard from him again. Oh well... he could've been a rather exquisite waste of my time.
  
• My father decided NOT to take the job opportunity in Seattle. I'm frustrated, but he has made up his mind and already convinced himself there are "too many loose ends" here for him to just pack up and leave. Not sure what that means, but so be it.
  
• However... my daddy has a date! A daaaaaate! My super good deed of the YEAR has been done. I got my old man a date with my good friend Janet's mom:) YAY! He's so cute too... He's coming over to my house tomorrow early and we're driving around the area he wants to take her to because he's not very familiar with it and doesn't want to get lost and look goofy. He's so cute!
  
• Grad school apps are all in and I haven't heard anything from anyone. I don't expect to until end of February - April. The GRE folks screwed up AGAIN and sent my scores to Wisconsin instead of Michigan.... Alas... Who ARE these people?!?!?!
• I had a good talk with a boy in my Victorian poetry class. More about this later, but I think I helped him overcome some insecurities about being bi-lingual and of a different culture. Plus, I appreciate him searching for a deeper meaning and following his bliss. I want to clone him and move to that city:)
• Did I mention my dad has a date??!?!?! I'm SO excited that I just can't hide it. Truth is... I'd love to move away knowing that he has someone wonderful in his life. So fine, it's a slightly self-serving act... SLIGHTLY.
• I have a roomie. My friend Daniella is going through a tough time and she's now staying in my spare room. I haven't had a roommate since my sister moved away so I guess this is a bit of an adjustment. She's 21... aaawwww... I know her from dance class and mutual friends and she's a really good girl. Holy schnykes... she's my sister's replacement. I have issues.

And I have tiredness. (My friend Brian says that because that's how the phrase is literally translated from Spanish.) I also have hunger, but after the holidays I could use a bit of abstemiousness.............

....... huh huh? Pretty good word, eh? It's okay to be impressed.

I have sleepy now. Good night.


(Pics via vi.sualize.us)

Apropos of Nothing...

Yesterday I spent a few hours looking at warehouses to hold an event. This one in particular looked rather inconspicuous outside and wasn't as big as the rest. I don't know why that would be interesting to you, but anyhoozens... I parked right in front of it, behind some fancy car which I figured was the owner's. I knocked but no one answered and since the door was ajar, I just walked in slowly half expecting to be kicked out.

Me: "Hellllloooo! It's Cindy... We just spoke on the phone"

And out of thin air appears this GORGEOUS, tall man with longish, light brown hair, mid to late 30s, sporting jeans and some kind of leather jacket, with a perfect smile, and a vvvvvvery cool walk.

Me: "Kevin?"
Him: "No, Scott. We just spoke."
Me: "Oh right, Scott. Why would I call you Kevin? *Hahaha... fake nervous laugh*
Him: "Do I look like a Kevin?"
Me: "Nah... you're totally a Scott" (Better answer: you're much better looking than a Scott)

So he welcomes me in and invites me to look around. I then proceed to drop aaaaall the paperwork that I was carrying inside my books. Apparently, I loose all feeling in my arms when I'm attracted to someone. A few nervous chuckles after that, I drop my pen, which of course against all odds rolls right under a desk and hits the wall. So I bend down to get it, hit my head on the desk on the way up, and pretty much solidify my loser status right off the bat.

After that fantastic episode, I follow him around while he talks to me about the venue. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah... I'm literary not even listening and hoping to either run away never to be seen again or moving in and spending my life just looking at him. Either one would be acceptable. Then, for WHATEVER reason, I just decide to take my car keys out of my pocket and put them on a random table...

Me: "Oh wait, I really shouldn't leave my keys there"
Him: "Yeah... probably"
Me: "I mean, it's not like they're heavy or something"
Him: *blank stare*

"It's not like they're heavy or something"?!?!?!?

WHAT. THE. HELL. WAS. THAT?

I thank this incredible specimen for his time, walk out strategically managing to not fall on my face, get into my car, and put my head down on the steering wheel slowly but surely coming to terms with my inevitable and perpetual spinsterdom.

When I look up he is in front of me, Ferrari convertible top down, waving goodbye, and probably hoping I get home in one piece...

Call me? *sigh*

Irrefutable Proof That I've Got NO GAME

I wrote that down today in class. It's a quote from the British novelist C.S. Lewis and it really made think about our cyber community here and the stories we read and write daily for that incessant need to communicate with the world and share our lives and sometimes very intimate thoughts. We do read to know there are others out there and we smile every time someone chimes in with a word or two.

We're not alone. Interesting........

So I'm officially the president of the Professor Marcus University Fan Club and I follow him around every Tuesday and Thursday to Victorian Poetry and Modern Literature. Today was the first day of school and as I drove on to campus I felt that familiar, addictive rush and excitement that I absolutely LOVE. Actually, I got teary-eyed but I didn't want to confess... in the spirit of sharing I might as well: I am sap! There, now you know.

So, why does the novel matter?

Professor Marcus threw that out there very nonchalantly like he was asking to describe our winter vacation or talk about our pets on show-and-tell day. Needless to say it turned into a great discussion about life and love and completeness and the conscious and unconscious and the metaphysical and Jungian and on and on and on...

The novel is the one bright book of life. Books are not life. They are only tremulations of the ether. But the novel as a tremulation can make the whole man tremble." - DH Lawrence

My friend Marcela, who happens to be a wonderful artist and photographer, asked me why I wanted to teach not too long ago. It slipped out rather seamlessly that I just couldn't think of a better way to change the world. That literature was just my excuse to be there and although I loved it, teaching and reaching out to others was my true passion and motivation.

I asked a young classmate today how come she was dropping her pre-med major. She looked at me straight in the eyes and said: "I can live without science, but I can't live without [art]."

Need I say more?

Carpe Diem!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(pictures via vi.sualize.us)

We Read To Know We Are Not Alone

Here’s to making resolutions for a wonderful new decade and wishing our loved ones a warm, happy new year while wondering if anything will really change at all!

Salud! *Tight Hugs*

Carry on please… Your quiet desperation awaits…

My father, who over twenty years ago took a rather successful giant leap of faith by moving his entire family to a new country, is having an awful hard time deciding whether to take a job opportunity near Seattle that pays more than twice his current salary. He calls me to discuss it every other hour and likes to incessantly list the reasons why it’s not a good idea. What about health insurance for your sister? What will I do about the house? Your aunt really doesn’t want me go… And what if I don’t like it there?

So what about the cheers and the hugs and the champagne we drink at midnight on the last day of every year we’ve ever known? Are we just going through the motions because that’s what we have always done and what our families and friends do? Or do we take that drink, eat those twelve grapes, and really… truly… take on this new decade by the BALLS and make it ours?!

The funny thing about happiness and adventure is that it’s actually up to you. It’s really your choice.

No really… it is!

I can’t make my father take the job offer, but tomorrow I’m spending time with him updating his resume and reminding him that we’re more likely to regret the things we don’t do than the risks we take. I’ll remind him that in a few months if all the planets align and all fairy dust has its way, I’ll be dropping my life as I know it and on my way to school, and that my sister is already living her own adventure while learning a few lessons along the way. I’ll remind him again that children come through you but not for you and that my aunt needs to live her own passions and let him live out his. It is not his job to assure anyone’s happiness but his own.

And so all I can do is open the door and hope he walks through. I’m not responsible for his happiness either and if he chooses complacency instead of opportunity and learning… well… that’s just his path and I will love him no less.

Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it all happen.

I think about that all the time… I live it ALL the time.

So I made the decision not to be fearful, to be happy, and to follow my bliss. I decided to finally listen to my guides and wonderful friends who saw things much clearer before I ever did. It was a conspiracy alright… a really, really good one. Thank you… to all of you here, up there, anywhere.

Wholehearted warm wishes in this new year. May the universe conspire in your favor and may the search for truth and happiness be the guiding light in your life.

Your dreams await, you know…

Where are you flying to?

…cause I’m a gypsy
Are you coming with me?
I might steal your clothes and wear them if they fit me…

(pics via weheartit.com)

Walking Gets Too Boring When You Learn How To Fly